amaranthine joy

playing around with manual

2012-02-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

for camera pros out there this must be pretty elementary, but i'm finding that capturing the image you want is a really tricky play with balance and that balance is all up to the photographer's discretion. should i make the flying squirrel look like he's whizzing through the vastness of the forest? or do i want to stop him in action and catch him winking at me? too bad for me i'm so slow at changing the settings that i'm more likely to miss the action and end up taking a picture of the poor squirrel after he's missed the next branch. anyways, i think that's really cool. another concept i learned from the class is to take pictures unlike how the normal eyes sees an object.

that up there is my stupid sink faucet. as you can see from the trajectory of the water coming out, its angle causes tons of unwanted splashing and wet socks. pehhhh

to capture life

2012-02-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

what i didn't expect was to turn into a sapball emo mess halfway though the photography class i went to this evening. so great!

i walked into the building and found myself a seat in the third row feeling completely self conscious and awkward as normal. the event center was dimly lit with low chandelier lighting while the stage was getting last minute prep. i yawned about 9485679 times since i'd just had a gigumbus lunch and was surrounded by 49874059 other people. the situation seemed pretty grim from the get go and i was pretty sure i coulda spent fifty bucks on some cute shoes instead of taking a really expensive nap. fortunately the 60+ year old couple sitting next to me kept me from dozing off with their bickering over what they thought facebook really was. it's really too bad they had no way of entering themselves into the prize drawings by liking the photographers on facebook.. anyways, twenty minutes passed and rocky music started to play and the class began.

the best kind of people i've met in my life are those who instantly exude the entirety of their life's passion and purpose within the first 5 minutes of their introduction. and this couple that led the class did just that. they introduced themselves, they explained that they would be teaching us the basics of shooting manual, and they let it ring loud and clear the purpose of why they shoot without a pulpit, a promise ring or a bridge drawing on a napkin. and then halfway through the class, they showed a video on their project called Vision Culture and i turned into mushball. 50% of all their profits go towards this project where they support organizations that rescue and care for orphans, trafficking victims and really, anywhere else they see need. it's so inspiring to see people be passionate about their work and be passionate about sharing christ's love and seamlessing weaving the two together in a such a beautiful way.

their parting words weren't about the evilness that is auto, but to figure out our passion and purpose and to go out and capture it.

..and now i'm thinking i really need a wide angle lens asap =/

modify search criteria

2012-02-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

finally, my list! my mom always asks me what my list is - my search criteria. usually i have no response, of which my mom will proceed to build my list for me for the next half hour. other times when talk time is limited, i resort to the default christian list including items such as loves god, cares for people and.. well, i guess that's it.

but from this day forward, i will live by my new list. i have good feelings about this one. must be effervescent!

2012-01-28T19:34:00.000-08:00

..every girl needs a pair of purple dancing shoes

and a silly excuse to play with my camera :D wheeeeeeee

also, really fun interview with church hatin' jeff bethke. a lot of really honest convictions and he's so articulate! like lisa, i'd ask him to marry me too if he weren't such a young'n. (although a very mature young'n..) k anyways.

good morning!

2012-01-26T11:42:00.000-08:00

i haven't done this in a LONG time, so thank you nga-man for letting me practice my breakfast making skills :D sometimes i get a little sad knowing i can't hang out after work like normal people. but once in awhile, someone comes along with the a schedule just like mine and then everything is right in the world again.

on the menu today, breakfast tortillas!
- fried corn tortilla
- refried beans
- fried egg
- sauteed garlic, mushroom and asparagus
- shredded mexican blend cheese
- cilantro
- fresh salsa

round table discussion
- here a vent, there a vent, everywhere a vent vent
- encouraging each other in our life and our work place
- easing pending blind date queasiness
- other sorts of girl kinda stuff ^__^

it's gonna be a great day today. as soon as i finish my second cup of coffee. yay!

act your age, not your shoe size

2012-01-24T11:42:00.000-08:00

four good things. FOUR, my friends!!

i'd mentioned several months ago about sharing my thoughts about being a woman. this is one trait that i'm beginning to think is essential to us ladies. and that is to be continually joyful. not easy, i tell you. i don't think i even need to go into detail about this.. haha

learning to be joyful, i'm finding, is not just a reflection of inward happiness but more importantly an indicator of maturity. if i think about the causes of a loss of joy, things that come to mind are hopelessness of my state of life, bitterness towards other people, an empty refrigerator, general despair, loneliness, envy.. the tendency to mope is so easy i don't even need to try. but to rise above it is like trying to pick up my bunny - not impossible but requires much struggle and kicking.

in doing so though, i think i can be whole lot more productive - whether it's giving up to god the things that are his or driving myself to trader joe's. i always think of the analogy of first world problems versus third world problems. even though i can't foresee the future, i have a feeling the things that i deal with at my young age of 26 are small and childish in comparison to the life ahead of me. (not to completely diminish my crabby-patty feelings though, as i think god has many things to teach me and strengthen me where i am at present) but realistically, my struggles now include me, my bunny and the occasional third party. i don't have a significant other, no kids, no big responsibilities other than my own, no health issues, no familial obligations.. my thought is if i can't learn to act maturely now, how in the world will i survive life as a real adult??

as a side note, i think maturity is synonymous to having the kinda wisdom found in proverbs...

four things i'm glad for:
- i finally found myself a new watch! no longer will people have to remind me that my watch as a giant crack through the face.
- taking wizard bokeh pics with my new lens
- finding my bunny nestled between my freshly laundered clothes. he's so sweet <3
- coffee mornings with dear friend

New glasses

2012-01-23T01:02:00.003-08:00

Welllll.... This is embarrassing. I found a pair of super hip glasses at Costco - land where dreams come true. They rock cuz they're hip and for being plastic frames, they fit surprisingly snug on my flat face with even flatter nose.

The problem is, I look ridiculously silly. But I love em cuz they're so different! Deep sigh. Can't decide whether to keep them or exchange them for a pair of blah vanilla ice cream rims.

photos over logos

2012-01-16T23:56:00.000-08:00

i'm grateful for a friend like clare =]

would you buy a laptop case like this?

two-fold purposes and a good song

2012-01-14T01:27:00.000-08:00

this was today's failure moment:

at about 7:20pm i pulled into the davis commons shopping center, dodging a trillion cars looking for parking spots in the small lot of minimum occupancy ratio compared to its retail offerings. on the one hand it's entertaining to see cars stalk people returning to their vehicles (only to find that their car is parked on the opposite side of the line) or the bright red flash of cars switching on their turn blinkers to indicate to the rest of the spot preyers that they've called dibs on the guy pulling out (except that they've miscalculated and the guy really only just arrived). no doubt it's a mad scramble in that small space during friday night dinner hour. lucky for me, one spot laid completely open on the outer edge of the lot. first spot closest to the entrance of the shopping center too! bizarre that no one else was clamoring for this prime location.. so i casually moseyed my way over and parked my silver dinosaur, no sweat. score!!

the reason for this stop before fellowship tonight was two-fold. one, i got home from work exhausted so i took a nap up until the time i needed to leave for davis. waking up starving but with little time to spare, i made up my mind to stop at jamba juice for my favorite peenya kowlada and maybe a cheesy pretzel. two, many of my coworkers have been coming to work sick so i wanted to reinforce my body with a dose of drinkable vitamins.

what i didn't expect after weaving through the mikuni and ben & jerry crowd was to find my hunger haven devoid of happy glowing lights. whaaa?!?!? disgruntled, i didn't even bother to see what the reason for closure was. i think i just uttered the sound behhhh and made my way back through the crowds and back to my car.

defeat is the feeling of backing out of a most covetable parking spot that i'd only been able to experience less than 5 minutes of glory. it was a very humbling moment..

streaming thoughts aloud..

and this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and the depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through jesus christ - to the glory and praise of god.

the more i think about this verse, the more juicy it seems. it is evident in paul's ministry that everything he does is empowered by the holy spirit, for the sake of jesus christ, for the glory of god. there is nothing "paul" about it. therefore, to dissect the meaning of love (v.9) in our own human terms is futile. debating whether it's a checks and balance ordeal or a chicken before the egg dilemma really just misses the point.

my friend john footnotes this biblical love in terms of that which is deeply rooted in the truth of scripture and is regulated by it - not of the sentimental froo-froo type. in a sense, this is not very pretty.. ephesians 5 says live a life of love, just as christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering. the gospels detail this horrifically beautiful sacrifice that, like my trip to jamba juice, was also two-fold. one, by his blood we are saved from our sins and unified with christ, of whom without we would have no hope of life. and two, that his humanity would be an example for us to follow - that others would see and know that he is good.

question 5d of tonight's study asks can you dislike someone and still love them? thinking about the response to this question is so sobering. paul always expresses himself with tears in his eyes and this moment, i think is no exception. in his genial handwriting i feel like he's saying don't you see what christ has done?!?! now you too, do the same! mr. macarthur is right; in understanding the truth of the scripture, there is no question that the conviction to love abounds - to be great in number or amount.

ideally, the application of this knowledge is that all dislike and grudge and resentment and all that kinda stuff would go away. HA i guess that's why paul adds later on to continue to work out your salvation.. to keep pursuing obedience in the process of sanctification.

good good lesson.

when i was driving home, i thought this song really summarized the message of tonight. also, just want to share the love of gungor with you all ^__^

i can, can you?

2012-01-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

this was really funny to me.. in addition to the wealth of articles written about everything love, life and theology for young adults, boundless also runs a blog with shorter thought provoking exposés. having followed this website since my freshman year in college, i sometimes feel like i've read just about everything there is to read about life as a young adult. unfortunately these days i'm just a little bit less than ecstatic about every new article. yes, even the relationship ones.

browsing through my reader at work this afternoon, i found this short blog post very interesting.. written by the intern-turned editor/producer of boundless (and of single status), martha writes:

I hate to admit my insecurities, but today I'm going to do just that. What is it, you ask? Cooking.
You see, I think I like it, and I want to like it. But I don't do it very often.

Cooking for a household of one often involves boiling a pot of water and popping open a jar of pasta sauce. Or washing and slicing an apple, and spooning out a heap of peanut butter for dipping. On a good day, I'll microwave a bowl of soup and maybe have a salad, bread or fruit on the side. Simplicity rules the day.

So you can imagine my discomfort when a person, especially one of the opposite sex, asks me, "Do you like to cook?" I feel like I will either pass or fail his Future Spouse Check List with my answer.

To say, "Oh, yes, I found this yummy new cereal that tastes great with sliced fresh strawberries" is likely an automatic fail. To pass, I imagine the correct answer to be, "Yes! In fact, last night I grilled a fantastic steak and had the most delicious side of garlic mashed potatoes, finished with a dessert of triple-layer, double chocolate cake."

But what single woman has the time or the desire to cook like that on a regular basis? I know I don't.

Growing up, my mom did all of the cooking. I anticipate happily fulfilling that role in marriage, but at the same time, I'm not convinced I have the ability to do it well — certainly not without a lot more practice.

Can you relate? Maybe it's not food, but is there something else you fear you won't do well in marriage? Where does your fear stem from?

but is was the ensuing comments that generated even more interest.. comments from both single and married, women and men alike - many encouraging martha to step it up as cooking is something that is simple, necessary and perhaps fundamental to the procurement of a husband. the poor girl. good thing is, having heard her talk on the boundless show i know she's got a funny bone to her advantage and isn't likely to crawl into a hole of shame after reading some of these comments...

starting with:

You're saying you don't have the time to cook now as a single woman? Wait till you have kids and are running a household! The time to practice and become good at cooking is now.

Why do you imagine that cooking such a steak or whipping up some mashed potatoes takes a whole lot of time? (submitted by a dude - followed by a detailed recipe.. followed by several females supporting his two cents)

I'd encourage singles to practice these "i want to cook for a family someday" skills in a realistic way:

-Get some good basic skills under your belt.

-Don't make every meal Kraft Mac & Cheese, but it doesn't mean that you can't have Mac & Cheese.

-Cook for others. Practice on moms who have had new babies or new neighbors or your community group or your Bible Study or your friends.

But I did once hear a single guy say "Ladies, when you're going to a party, never bring something store bought. Men are watching!"

Big, freezable portions are your friend. I've been single and living on my own for seven years and I've learned to cook delicious healthy meals for one without relying on jarred sauces.

;) You just need a little confidence in yourself!

You say you are concerned that it'll be a big adjustment when you get married? You are right to be concerned. It'll be a huge adjustment & disappointment both for you and for the husband you led to believe you were eager to cook for. It would be wise to begin practicing sooner rather than later. It would be a good way to serve your husband & children in advance of receiving them.

When I got married I wished I was a better cook because we kept having the same boring dinners over and over, plus my husband is never shy on letting me know when the food could use some improvement. There were more than a few crying sessions at the dinner table that first year.

I'm single and practically I bring something home cooked to work every day.

yikes. tough crowd. okay, so i really did just go through and selectively pick out the worst. there's definitely a fair share of encouraging voices and understanding that these sort of roles aren't singular to the success of a marriage. i also suspect that the guys i know don't necessarily find this to be a dealbreaker sort of topic. but just for fun.. let's say you really wanted to go little-house-on-the prairie on me, i'd like to propose the same to the men.

can you wield a chain saw?

can you build me the log cabin of my dreams? with nothing but a tomahawk?

can you bring home bear bacon?

can you wrestle a panther?

can you blow smoke rings with your pipe?

can you take apart a lawn mower and put it back together?

can you grow a legitimate beard?

can you rebuild an auto transmission?

can you build a fire? without a zippo?

can you do pullups? with your pinky finger?

are you man enough?

i rest my case.

from the diary of a coffee addict

2012-01-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

who was i kidding, thinking i could go on a coffee fast for a month?!

it all started out pretty harmless. my mom gave me a pack of organic free-trade green tea that came in a really fancy canister package at the close of last year. if you know me, i'm easily sold by pretty packaging. you could even sell me a cow pie so long as it was wrapped up nice enough =/ anyways, antioxidant-rich coffee alternative in hand i thought making the switch would be easy peas-y.

how wrong i was.

after a considerable amount of ibuprofen i took to fend off the pounding midday headaches, the hours of silence my coworkers endured as i mentally checked myself into a rehab program at work, and my constant complaints of recurring chills and hot flashes.. my body mutinied and said enough is enough.

and now i give thanks to my moka pot cappuchino and my body responding gratefully to its usual dose of this drug that i love and hate and love a little bit more.

truth in [annoying] kid songs

2012-01-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

hallelu

hallelujah

praise ye the lord

hallelu

hallelu

hallelujah

praise ye the lord

praise ye the lord

hallelujah

praise ye the lord

hallelujah

praise ye the lord

hallelujah

praaiiise yeee the LORD

happy new year dear blog reading friends!

this last year came together quite nicely.. it still scares me when i remember the events of my car crushing incident. i thank the lord for japanese car makers for designing a car with 5-star front end crash ratings. and i also thank him for well.. everything between and beyond. once again, i live at the mercy of christ :) by his grace i'm now equipped with a mini tank, clean driving record and brand new insurance policy in hand. all of which are gigantour miracles in and of themselves. clean driving record, reaLLy, rEALLy??!? siiiiiiigh. that he would consider me worthy of these things in beyond me.

so if you would all raise your mouse together with me,
to a new year praising the lord - in happiness or unhappiness, good health or sickness, peace or unrest, thanksgiving or injustice, divine appointment or seeming loss of rabbit foot.

what kind of car are you?

2011-12-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

the joys of car shopping continues. it's interesting that the type of car you drive naturally becomes a sort of personal identifier to other people. similar to how pet owners start to develop an uncanny resemblance to their pets. like the chicken and egg dilemma, i can't figure out which comes first. but whatever the case, i think it's the same with cars. or at least the style of the car can tell you what kinda person he or she is.

so now that i get to start afresh, i'm wondering which car resembles who i am the most. unfortunately more than a handful of people have suggested the VW bug. can i just say.. really?! REALLY?!?!? i do not see that at all. all it is is a small rolli polli little thing that's just trying way too hard to look moderately cute. that is, unless... you're talking about the pikachu bug. then that's a whole different story ^__< too bad the bug has such terrible ratings.

and you think i'm joking..

i'm actually already quite set on one particular car. if only everything else in life were this easy to choose.. but that's a whole other story for a whole other day =]

thoughts on sight

2011-12-14T01:15:00.000-08:00

one thing i hate about hiking is that i get so tunnel visioned. once i step out onto the dirt path, all my energy is devoted to making sure i see where my next step is going to land. otherwise, i could be stepping into my own death via cheetah, grass snake or cliff edge. i become so engrossed in this one crucial task that i forget about the rest of the stuff beyond my self-restricted field of vision.

i try to actively fight this tunnel vision syndrome (TVS), but i still can't help falling back into the downward gaze mode. because what's immediately at stake is also the most easily preventable in real time. of course, i could forget about where my feet are gonna land and just enjoy the view as it comes - that is why i go hiking to begin with anyways.. except that inevitably, a trip or toe-stub would bring me back to TVS. even though consciously i still embrace the bigger picture, Perspective has such a devious way of whittling it back down to a small peephole.

life's kinda like that. and it's so annoying.

ew weird. that was so emo.

excellent discovery today: i found out my new printer has a feature called ePrint. which means i can email something directly to my printer from any computer or mobile device wherever i am, and have it print straight through my printer at home. this printer gets a gold star.

8 Ultimate Experiences

2011-12-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

i came up with a list of really cool things to do in case boredom happens to wedge its way into my life.

1. treehouse vacation - wherever my family moved, me and my brother would find the perfect climbing tree on our lot and transform it into a.. well, tree. we've never had a treehouse before but we'd tie things up on the branches, pretend we were spies, "sleep" in our "beds", etc. basic small children activities. i've always dreamed of living in a huge, elaborate treehouse. who knew you could rent one like you would a hotel?! i'd definitely choose this, bugs and all :D

2. rent a vespa for a day - never traveled in france or italy before. but i'm pretty certain the best way to do it is on a vespa. of course if a trip to italy never happens, i suppose i could just buy one from caffe italia and tour the great city of davis..

3. international book trade - small secret, i used to catalog all my books and make cardstock pockets on the inside cover to mimic my own library. all my stuffed animals had their own library cards. and then we'd sit around a read all day until my mom called me to take a bath or something. of which i would ignore and then read some more. i just discovered this website. this could the beginning of something really cool. down with the kindle!! (unless it's a kindle fire)

4. too many to choose from! - i'm kidding geez! calm down.

5. sewing classes - it looks like i know what i'm doing and i smile and pretend i'm a pro but my sewing skills are pretty elementary. my technique really hasn't changed since the first time i made a dress for bearbear and mimi (both inanimate stuffed creatures). when i consulted my sister, she dissuaded me from contacting one my blogger mom heroes to schedule a personal seminar (does it make it any better that we're fb friends?) behh so sewing classes would do just fine.

6. TED talks - i don't always have time or remember to check the TED site regularly, but when i do, there are some reaLLy awesome clips to digest. even talks that i'm empathetic towards or disagree, i'm almost always blown away by the talents of the human race. even cooler if i could attend one in person.

7. house swap - one of my favorite movies is The Holiday. the plot of the movie circulates around 2 woman's house swap experience; one in LA and one in a quaint little cottage in surrey. i think rather than staying in a swanky hotel for vacation, it'd be so much more interesting to live in someone's home away from the usual tourist footpath. the only trick would be to live somewhere appealing enough that someone would want to swap homes with me. guess i'm moving into the rock ledges of the himalayas :D

8. media intern - i say intern because i don't know if i could last in that type of work. but i think i would love to be put in a small room with nothing but a pair or scissors and instructions to snip away at paper for the next window display. if they don't pay me i'd probably be happy to eat glue or something. no, that's a lie.

in the spirit of list-making, i also made a list of things i hope i never take for granted.

1. god saves. i dunno if god shaves, but saving is something i know he does. also in pg's sermon this morning he talked about the weakness of our trust in god which stems from not recognizing or seeking his voice. guilty.

2. i got in trouble again. and the anticipated reaction i got from my parents was completely opposite of what i'd imagined. sometimes it's hard for me to figure out how they can still tease me and speak encouraging words to me, and they do it so effortlessly. siiiigh i feel like i suck at receiving this kinda love because i'm so undeserving. my parents rock.

3. never forget to put your seatbelt on. and nestled behind the plate that lets you honk at other cars is an explosion of fluffiness that makes me wish i can thank its creator in person.

4. all my friends who've helped me out. thank you <3

you know the part at the end of the incredibles movie where dash is in the car after their huge battle and he goes, "i loooove my family!!!" and then slumps backward into the seat. that's how generally i feel about generally everything at this moment =]

simple rule

2011-12-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

i remember in preschool for halloween, part of our class celebration was to make this huuuuuge 5 foot long subwich for snack. every kid got to pitch in and help throughout the process of this gigantour sandwich making ordeal. some kid got to lay on the mayo, another got to spread the lettuce shreds, etc. as for me, i got to knife it!

for whatever reason, the teacher trusted me with the jack-o-lantern handled plastic knife and let me cut up the sandwich so that every kiddie got an equal piece. the funny thing is, i remember another girl wanting to use the knife too cuz it was so cool. but the teacher had to explain to her how she couldn't because she didn't know how to use a knife. (score for me!!)

seems totally logical right? you don't get to have it unless you know how to use it.

siigh. i'm just gonna go ahead and revoke my driver's license from myself.

an exclusive photographic exhibit

2011-12-06T00:27:00.000-08:00

but first things first. these are the moments that inspired the creative expression of my inner thoughts. i call it:

two good news and one bad.
by deborah lee
12.05.2011

1. my goldfish kite arrived in the mail today. now i'm seeking the lord to provide a great and powerful wind that tears the mountains apart and shatters the rocks.

2. my camera has been fixed! i was advised to read the manual to learn how to use it. very good advice. unfortunately the thought of starting in the beginning and learning the ins and outs of this thing intimidates me. so for now, i'll just pretend like i know how to use it. btw, did you know that shutters have a life expectancy? every time i depress the shiny silver button and the iconic SLR shutter resounds, i feel like i've just sent my camera one click closer to death. it's really very depressing.

3. my mom called me today and asked me what i wanted for christmas. when i told her, she said absolutely no. i'm not thrilled.

please kindly put your cellphone on silent and take a moment to enjoy my artistic endeavor.

i love it, he looks so ferocious.

Shark.

2011-12-03T21:59:00.001-08:00

I wish I could keep him. Oh well. May he be loved forever and have a full and sharkey life with someone else.

12/6/2011 update
sigh. parting with sharkey is proving to be much harder than i'd anticipated. currently sharkey is sprawled atop all the toys right outside my office window. they'll soon be en route to the children's home in sac to meet their new destination. i'm heartbroken. i wish i weren't because he's presumably going into the safearms of some really cute girl kid and that's pretty neat. but still, i get a little sad every time i pass by his fluffiness.

hip-o-critical

2011-11-30T18:52:00.000-08:00

Today some hipsters are so hip they refuse to use the word self-referentially and believe that anyone who does so is, well, hip-o-critical.

hipsterification NPR 11/17

bahahahaaa nevermind then

movie review: jane eyre (2011)

2011-11-29T12:49:00.000-08:00

i picked up jane eyre from blockbuster express after work yesterday at safeway. ahhhhh it has set my heart aflutter! i'm almost ready to put it among my list of favorite movies but i might have to watch it again to confirm. but it's really good. i'm not sure if i agree with the director's rendition of the story as it's not nearly as gothic and dark as the original book. also, mr. rochester isn't nearly as fierce as i'd imagined. but authenticity aside, i love the story :D but to be sure, this is, in my opinion, the best adaptation of the book to date.

i think one of the biggest contributors to the greatness of a movie is the soundtrack. this one was composed by non other than dario marianelli. sounds familiar? he created the music for pride and prejudice (2005), and who i'd compare to the likes of ennio morricone and hans zimmer. swoooon.

now as soon as i finish writing my paper (yep, still writing), i'm gonna reread my 1943 copy of the book :D

the kite runner

2011-11-27T18:51:00.000-08:00

i bought a goldfish kite on a whim today. i'm thinking it looks pretty sweet. basically gonna be the coolest kite flyer ever when i bring this awesome punk out. so here's hoping we get some of those crazy wind storms that pop by sacramento every year

:D

side note, has anyone else been swept up into these time-sensitive online shopping websites like fab and huckberry and hautelook? amidst gilt and groupon, a lot of these kinds of sites have popped up all over the place and it's not good for la cuenta bancaria =/ ..although the other day i bought a groupon for 10 blockbuster dvd rentals for only $4. wheeee any movie recommendations?

Woman up: an intro

2011-11-25T19:09:00.001-08:00

This only became clear to me today. Unfortunately its only taken 26 years of life to brig me this life-altering perspective shift. Oh well, better sooner than later. Lesson learned today:

Woman up.

We hear a lot of talk about guys needing to man up, wear the pants, go for the kill, etc. Especially on the ladies' side of the spectrum it's always the dude that needs to take a lesson in manhood and ditch the drama queen. We never fail to pull put our list of "should-be's" and "should-do's", expecting nothing but perfection in attitude, action and words.

So woman up? There's a couple things that this does not mean. This isn't about manning up like the dudes. Or berating ourselves for "womanly" tendencies. This is about bringing to the table the same expections rightful to a being a woman. Learning what it means to treat guys well. To have right attitudes and actions towards men (and the rest of the world for that matter) that are fit for a woman.

Too often I think I operate behind the facade of .Christianity. or the obvious stereotype of a female ie. Hyper-emotional, mopey, pseudo-consoling, queen of excessive use of words, among many others. But in the end, not only are my actions detrimental to myself but more often the receiving party on the other end.

There are some things that I've come to understand regarding this matter and much more that I'm needing to learn. I think I'm gonna try and share those with dear blog here as they come so stay tuned. Any thoughts are welcome :)

Up there is a picture of my niece. She's just a baby so thus entitled to being nothing but an exquisitely cute one. As for me, I gotta learn to take womanly matters into my own hands more seriously.

how to be hipster.

2011-11-23T19:41:00.000-08:00

so apparently this is what being hipster means. behhh

i get that style isn't something you can force. otherwise you get called a poser and that's not really what i'm going for. but.. but.. i really wanna be hipster!! and ride a fixie bike (i blame my brother for breaking his promise of getting me one). i like vintage stuff.. i drink tea with milk.. my brain is addicted to coffee.. i like skinny jeans.. although as much as i've wanted hipster glasses, i tried some on at costco the other day and looked ridiculous. ok for the record, i think smoking is gross so that's not something i'd venture into.

this post really has no substantial content. i'm just ranting because i want to be hipster.

happy thanksgiving everyone!

stupid chair.

2011-11-20T15:41:00.001-08:00

(btw, chair represented is not the chair i refer o in this post)

I finally figured out why I’m having such a hard time focusing on writing my thesis! and interestingly enough, it has nothing to do with the world wide web. for awhile I thought I was battling my addiction to facebook and my google reader, chock full o’ pretty blogs.. I mean, that’s not to say that I don’t still check my feeder every 3 minutes.. but the point is, the internet is not the main culprit here. whew!

this chair that I’ve been sitting in for the last 3 years is to blame. I’ve always known it to be excruciatingly uncomfortable but it never came to my attention that it would actually hinder my productivity. of course on a normal day, high productivity is defined by the number of blogs I’ve starred or images I’ve pinned or episodes I’ve covered in one sitting. all such activities done with the slight bit of guilt that I’m not wholly spending my time wisely – so the notion of an uncomfortable chair really only alleviates the remorse I feel. knowing that I’m .suffering. through my actions eases the conscience.

not so when I’m trying to write a paper. let me give you a little anatomy of the chair. the honker weighs about 50 pounds and must be made of some prehistoric petrified wood. its rigidity is fierce enough to punch back every time I sit down. there are slopes and valleys in the chair that mimic a feeble effort to contour against one’s body, but in reality they’re just deceiving lies of a great seating experience up ahead. all lies. furthermore, the behemoth of a chair is so heavy that i cannot just scooch in and out of my desk without eliciting another bruise to my left knee. so most of the time, i sit on my knees or cross-legged, hovering over my 10-inch netbook, feverishly typing away before getting up again to relieve my legs of numbness.

obviously a devil chair like this does not have the capacity to swivel. let me just say, swivel chairs are by far the most intellectually stimulating contraptions. everyone knows that a stagnant mind is of no use to anyone. but, take a stagnant mind and put it on top of a swivel chair and you are creating kinetic activity both internally and externally. pure genius.

anyways, this is why writing has been such an uphill battle these last few days. i've since switched it out for an equally primeval cousin of the chair but hopefully this one will promote greater productivity than its predecessor.

Is retail therapy wrong?

2011-11-18T15:52:00.001-08:00

What sounds better?

a.) Staring into pages and pages of tables and chi-square analysis that you can't decipher.. typing away at a paper that seems to have no end in sight.. trying to format sentences in active voice, using little to no modifying adjectives.. unfortunately research papers frown upon data analysis that is summarized in a single statement, "meh".

b.) Trying on new shoes?!?!?!

I choose B!!

Grad school has not disciplined me to become a more intellectual, critical thinking individual.
meh.

But check out my new acquisition!! Missoni heels! A little research (ha this kinda research I enjoy) revealed that Missoni is pretty snazzy and their stuff sells for millions. K, not millions but maybe a couple hundred. Thankfully, for people like me who care for neither snazz nor brand, there's Target. :D And sometimes we get lucky when snazzy designers are sympathetic and share their work with the almighty Tar-zhay for a fraction of the price. (And then there's me, who roams the clearance aisle for leftover pseudo-designer treasures!) woohooo Another addition to my collection of black heels that have yet to see the light of day!

This late purchase of mine has gotten me curious though. I'm well aware of come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Praise God for giving us his son so that we can lay our burdens at the cross. And I wonder how others who do not yet acknowledge Christ as their maker, deal with life-happenings. It seems like living would feel so futile not being able to give credit for the blessings in life as well as find strength in the blessings-that-you-haven't-yet-discovered-to-be-blessings.

But even then, sometimes I feel like annoying perturbations call for some sort of physical manifestation in order for us to relieve the burden. ie. punch a wall, talk it out, get a massage, consume ice cream, etc. In my case, go buy something awesome. (aiyah, sometimes I feel like I share too much of my junk on here). Could it be that these instances of "acting out" are reflective of my inability to fully and completely find rest in Christ? Or that rather than submitting to Him, I knowingly take things into my own hands cuz it feels better. (albeit, only temporarily).

Now that I'm completely on a roll in self-analyzing my hubristic tendencies.. I think it's also possible to have some sort of release of stress that is considered healthy. That line would likely be determined by a combination of whether hurt is afflicted upon yourself or others as a result of however you choose to let your stress manifest, coupled with your willingness to submit your burdens to God. Hurting yourself (including bank account) and stubbornness in finding freedom in Christ is probably not the way to go.

Pehh it seems like I just analyzed my way into figuring out the solution to my issues ;) Next time I find myself in the aftermath of an awful day at work, I'll try to remember this..

I rarely get a comment on here but just in case you feel inclined to share.. in what ways do you deal with stress or frustrating situations?

---

interesting article here

when psychological typology impedes upon grace

2011-11-13T19:50:00.000-08:00

not being a trained therapist, i wouldn't know. but i'm pretty sure my thoughts aren't suggestive of self-destruction or anything like that so don't start worrying. i sometimes just get so tired of living the way i do - this constant battle of the mind, heart, and truth. it's quite exhausting.

it's kind of like the time i went ice skating with my roommates back in college around christmas time. it wasn't my first time skating, but it was the first time i'd gone with a plan. having grown up with michelle kwan and that skinny white girl whose name flees my mind at the moment, i knew exactly what i wanted to accomplish once we got to the rink. i'd try a few double axels and maybe a couple of those spinny things where you spin in place forever. i was sO excited to try out these moves.

we'd arrived at the K street skating rink in downtown sac, paid for our shoes and sat along the perimeter of the frozen oval under christmas light trellises and holiday music, lacing up our skates. i remember thinking to myself, how hard could it be? i'm pretty good at rollerblading so this should be cake. unfortunately, as soon as we stepped onto the ice, my legs went awry, wobbling inside skates that fit as snuggly as an old man's dentures. in less than 5 minutes, my level of anticipation and excitement took a nosedive into the cold cold ground. my dreams had dashed away. after about an hour of failed attempts, i got so frustrated that i was ready to leave asap. not even the christmas music could keep me there.

i blame my INFP disposition for my propensity to dream high and wide. it often gets me into trouble as i can't consciously rationalize the events surrounding me until it's too late - my mind being too high up in the clouds and my eyes too thickly glazed over with optimism of an alternate reality.

scanning MBTI profiles, i always feel a little pride over the descriptions they label me.. creative, caring, peaceful, etc. but i'd also be the first to tell you that it comes as a double-edged sword. in a previous post, i quoted a fellow INFP who believes that despite her head-in-the-clouds trait, this is who god created her to be. hmm i struggle with this because sometimes i wish i were more level-headed. that i weren't so dependent on other people's feelings or expect the same level of awesomeness in other people as i do myself. (yeah, i really did just admit that =/ ) i battle with the consequences of my choices and end up feeling like a loser - frustrated with myself and the situations i find myself in.

over the last couple years, good counsel has helped me realize these things about myself and to better manage my tendencies. but it still happens that when the fault of my personality type shows its ugly face, i feel sick all over again.

for a long time, i'd look to paul for encouragement:

now we know that if the earthly tent we line in is destroyed, we have a building from god, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothes with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. for while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. now it is god who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. 1 corinthians 5

this morning, pastor gee talked about the sinful nature of man that came into being when adam and eve disobeyed god's one commandment in the garden. it is because of the fall of man that we now deal with the consequences of sin today, in our every day life - even those intertwined within the web of our complex personality traits. paul struggled with this as well. i think he also found it to be very frustrating. if only heaven would come sooner! "i am torn between the two; i desire to depart and be with christ, which is better by far." phil 1 but until then, we gotta continue fighting.

i think this is where i got it all wrong. i thought that wallowing in my own self-pity and finding companionship there with one of jesus' own apostles would be good enough. and that it'd be okay to be a chronic mope-ster as long as i'd gotten verses to back me up.

in pg's sermon outline this morning, point 3 states that god gave us the law to remind us how bad we are and how gracious god is. this was kind of a light bulb for me. so maybe in moping over my life and feeling sad about the sinful state of man, i'm really just not accepting god's grace, everything that he'd sacrificed through the cross. for everything he's done for me, i've chosen not to accept it. and that's kinda lame of me.

what a wretched man i am! who will rescue me from this body of death? thanks be to god - through jesus christ our lord! romans 7:24

a lifetime of sunday school and bible studies have taught me enough to know that god's redeeming blood covers all sins; not just the ones i think i can let him be responsible for. this includes the all the weirdo-ness that stems from my personality.

understanding all this is slightly comforting. and ideally i could throw in my white flag right now and let him take on the battles from here on out. but i never thought that god's grace is something that would be so hard for me to take.

2011-11-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

"i'm like a shark, i don't swim backwards."

~ Tom Haverford

Dept. Parks and Recreation

Pawnee, IN

just your regular old dreamer

2011-11-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

I wonder if I'd be better off if I were a little more realistic, a little more practical. I've tried to temper my idealism, I really have. But I just can't shake my starry-eyed visions about life and everything it entails. It's who I am, and I believe -- I don't say this lightly -- it's who I was made to be.

~Modern Mrs. Darcy

2011-10-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

could a garden come up from this ground at all?

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

drama queen

2011-10-20T17:06:00.001-07:00

Nearly a year ago I watched a Taiwanese sitcom that completely weirdo me out. Sitting in my most uncomfortable borrowed wooden chair with only a threadbare IKEA pillow shielding my butt from major bruising, I watched episode after episode of my own life reflected through these fictitious characters. Some of it was hilarious. Other parts mirrored a brutal honesty that I'd never share with the rest of the world.

I hesitated to admit that I shared so many commonalities with this show because that would mean my life were nothing but a drama. What an embarrassing thing to compare myself to!

And as any Asian sitcom goes, the series ends with happiness and the promise of a blissful future. Cue in the tears and commissaration. Kidding.

Most recently I watched a movie that elicited the same feelings. I've been in that eye-roll situation.. I've said enough is enough.. I've sat through those awkward encounters.. I've felt so alone in all this..

By wait a minute.. maybe I'm not so alone after all? Plots like these cannot just come out of someone's imagination - creative as they might be. Something strikes a chord and I think its because of how true to life their characters are portrayed. Sure Asian dramas are a little exaggerated, but the story and the feelings are still the same.

My conclusion is that maybe I'm not so crazy as I guiltily thought. I'm in the midst of a time in my life when things are kind of bizarre. And maybe that's expected and even shared among other people in my boat. And while there's headache and trauma and fun and casualties in between, I'm inclined to believe that there's good that comes in the end. So i'm not rolling end credits just yet.

Yes, I believe life is like a movie.

right now, i am...

2011-10-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

...sleepy because i woke up at 6:30am to get ready for church

...immensely happy because i got to play my glockenspiel with the worship team this morning

...frustrated because one side of my hair desperately needs to be manicured

...a little jealous of people who don't have to work on weekends

...grateful that i am in good health and can afford to eat cheeseburgers without guilt or remorse

...remembering that joy need not stem from present happiness

...wishing that expensive things weren't so expensive

...thankful that i can afford to live on my own with some to spare

...anxious that i cannot make out the feelings that are going on inside me into comprehensible thoughts or words

...playing music by gungor on repeat

...sad that i come to god with more requests and blame than thankfulness

...encouraged by the people who surround me who offer their lives as living examples

...discouraged by the prospect of making choices that only i can determine for myself

...excited that it's time for rainboots, umbrellas, scarves and dead leaves along the sidewalk

...wondering if maybe it'd be better if the rapture came sooner rather than later

how are you doing?

stars are born to fill the night

2011-10-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Standing up from crags and clay
The peaks of earth
In full display
They break the lines
That break the sky
That’s full of life
Full of life

The chaos of creation’s dance
A tapestry, a symphony
Of life himself
Of love herself
It’s written in our very skin

All praises to the one who made it all
Who made it all
All praises to the one who made it all
And finds it beautiful

Soil is spilling life to life

Stars are born
To fill the night
The ocean’s score
The majesty
Of sculpted shore
Mystery

All praises to the one who made it all
Who made it all
All praises to the one who made it all
And finds it beautiful

Fearfully and wonderfully and beautifully made

Media volume: Off

2011-10-11T17:36:00.001-07:00

Due to extending circumstances and a busy schedule, I didn't get to go to the bathroom at work today. So first order of business after my walk home was to head straight for the small tiled room.

Thank goodness for 2 bathrooms up here cuz the first one (generally my preferred choice) was already occupied. It didn't take long though for me to pick up on a small tinkering sound streaming from the bathroom. Usually sounds don't perk up my ears as the bathroom iS a place for extraneous noises after all.

However this sound was different. As I stepped into bathroom #2, I realized that bathroom #1's occupant was busy playing what sounded like a video game! There was a distinctive background melody, the schwing! sound of a swinging sword, grunting ogre tones, etc. There's definitely a pretty epic battle going on atop the porcelain next door!

But then.. as weird as it is to have my business joined by musical accompaniment, I can't decide if I can really deem it bizarre and unconstitutional to the bill of rights one has when doing their thing.

Is it better to play with your phone in secrecy, keeping the volume muted? Or proudly showing off to your neighbors that you've completed 3 levels since you've sat down? Times are changing and smartphones and tablets are rolling out magazines and newspaper. It just so happens that our new attractions come with volume control. What do you think?

You can see I'm feeling rather conflicted as I post this on silent mode.

decidedly rebellious.

2011-10-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

it goes something like this:

i'm supposed to drink something warm when i'm feeling crampy. what do i do? go for a 16oz. cup of mr. pibb. with ice. twice.

i'm supposed to wear a hairnet in the kitchen. i've chosen not to wear it defiantly after hours. why? i didn't blow dry my hair for 15 minutes into a poof just to let it die under the meshed hideousness.

i'm told to keep the music down in the car so as not to ruin my hearing. except that i take "feeling the music" very literally. plus, technology is getting pretty awesome. hearing aids are gonna be the new ipad.

i'm wondering if these tendencies have more serious implications on my life choices than i care to admit.

Lessons from a bunny

2011-10-06T14:39:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when I look at my bunny I think about god and how in his glory and majesty and power that has no rival, he'd create something so cute and fluffy as a bunny :)

Then.. to think that as he'd so lovingly created my bunny, he did so also, and with even more care, with me.

And it doesn't stop there! He loves me the way I love my bunny. (and more) Basically this little guy has no worries in this world. I love him, take care of him, and give him treats when he's being especially cute. If I am to god as my bunny is to me, there's no reason to distrust, worry or fear while living under his arms.

signs of the times

2011-10-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

over these last recent years, there's been a lot of talk, secular and christian, about the end times. usually they go unnoticed by me.. but sometimes, when the topic turns up in conversation, i realize i have nothing to say about it. the scope of my theological intelligence measures that of a peanut. sure there are signs that can easily be doubled against biblical predictions ie. earthquakes and other such natural disasters. but other than that, i dunno.

there are some signs that i cannot deny though. not signs of the end times.. but signs of the holidays encroaching upon us! let me list them to you in bullet point format.

big spoon's latest froyo flavor is non other than Pumpkin Spice. YOM
my supervisors posted the holiday sign up sheet this afternoon. and so the dilemma begins: work on a holiday and get paid bank.. or spend time with family? >__< bahahaha jk.
walking home tonight, i smelled FIREPLACE!! or whatever you call that smokey burn chimney smell.
i passed up my french landmarks pajama shorts tonight for my flannel moose pants :D
water is currently rising to boiling temperature as i type, before it is poured into my mug of hot cocoa powder

you see, it is quite evident from the combination of these signs that the holidays here!

tomorrow, i hope to put up my christmas lights..

stand back: she bites

2011-09-24T19:32:00.000-07:00

i live in a house shared by 9 other occupants. thankfully the only thing i have to share with all of them is the laundry room. conveniently located in the basement of the house, i rarely make the trip down into the depths of this old house. i consider myself quite domestically accomplished if i complete a load of laundry a month. two flights of stairs is no joke and i'd prefer to limit my stairmaster workout as much as possible.

recently, i've noticed that my bottle of purex complete crystals lavender blossom fabric softener has diminished from one entire bottle to little more than a quarter. what the heck, right? with my name clearly labeled in blue sharpie on the front of the bottle, i'd assume that people whose name is not deborah would steer clear of my blossomy crystals. my instincts immediately tell me that someone is using my stuff and i am not thrilled.

you see, as awesome as my purex complete crystals are, don't look at me to share the awesome with you. they're mine. and yes, i'm gonna act like i'm in preschool and display complete possessive qualities over my stuff. don't touch yo or else i'm gonna randomly choose someone else's detergent and pour it down the drain.

wow, you're kind of a jerk.

i think most personality quirks or habits have pointed origins - whether it's imprinting from childhood or past experiences. i'm definitely captive of the influences of my own history. living on my own for awhile, i've learned to be defensive, selfish, confident, territorial.. i've got some fighting skills. in the jungle, you've got to look after your own livelihood after all. otherwise, you fall prey to cheetahs or rhinoceros.

that sounds a lot like an excuse.

shore. i wouldn't deny it. but i think it just makes it that much harder for me to live peacefully among certain creatures. it's like if someone took me from the wild and dropped me in a zoo exhibit with another hand-picked species of my own, i'd probably eat it in a second. yomm. fortunately for the sake of humanity, cannibalism isn't allowed in my part of town. so i'm forced to adjust.

i do hope that coercion isn't my primary mode of electing change. it's funny that after squeezing philippians into my mental RAM, i'm wishing that i never encountered those words - so that i never have to face this battle of spirit and flesh. it's so much easier to live unchrist-like sometimes.

many as enemies of the cross of christ. their destiny is destruction. their god is their stomach and their glory is in their shame. their minds are on worldly things.

consequences of that look pretty grim. i guess the alternative is to be swayed into the decision to live in holiness - with christ as the example. to learn to exemplify christ-like qualities despite my sin-dripped countenance.. i think i'm praying for a miracle from god to reformat my heart.

2011-09-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

i designed you to live in union with me. this union does not negate who you are; it actually makes you more fully yourself. when you try to live independently of me, you experience emptiness and dissatisfaction. you may gain the whole world and yet lose everything that really counts.

find fulfillment through living close to me, yielding to my purposes for you. though i may lead you along paths that feel alien to you, trust that i know what i am doing. if you follow me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. i know you intimately - far better than you know yourself. in union with me, you are complete. in closeness to me, you are transformed more and more into the one i designed you to be.

todas las palabras son verdaderas

2011-09-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

when i least deserve it

2011-08-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

if you are returning to the lord with all your hearts, then rid yourself of the foreign gods and the ashtoreths and commit yourself to the lord and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the philistines. so the israelites put away their baals and ashtoreths and served the lord only. 1 samuel 7

it's kind of like one time when i was about 5 helping my mom set the table for dinner. i dropped an entire set of bowls on the ground and we ended up having to eat on plates for the next couple days until they were replaced. despite fatal bowl tragedy, my mom never stopped letting me help her set the table.

grace is something i can define but am still trying to understand.

airport love

2011-08-17T01:16:00.000-07:00

oh dears. it seems that amidst all the hustle and bustle of things around here, i've neglected this little blog of mine. basically, about a million things have happened since my last story telling event.

most recently has been the send off of my dear mother to the great and magnificent SFO. forgive me as i'm not a seasoned traveler under any comparison so my enthusiasm may seem a little out there.. but that place is sWeet!! first, the roadways leading into the central building - most excellent and easy to navigate. (as were all the roadways germinating outwards away from the airport and onto the freeway). second, i did not get a chance to explore further, but there's a skytrain?!? how much for a ride?? third, rows and rows of terminals giving people the possibility of landing themselves anywhere within one rotation of the earth's time. four, automatic soap dispenser. toilet, yes. faucet, yes. but soap dispenser?! world class, yo.

this list could continue for quite some time before i run out of trivial details to dote on. but then, i'd completely forget to mention the moral to this story that i'd come online to publish.

that up there is my mom. yay mom! to describe her in 10 words or less, she is the woman i hope to become. shore, she has some interesting quirks and tendencies and such just as all of us do. but mostly, i think i'd be okay if i inherited a fraction of her good qualities.

alright SFO, CNY 2012 - we will meet again!!!

story time

2011-07-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

once upon a time there was a prince who wanted to have a princess of his own. but she had to be a real princess. he traveled all over the world to find one, but there was always something wrong. he found plenty of princesses, but the prince could never be absolutely sure they were real princesses. there was always something that wasn't quite right. at last he returned home and was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly.

one evening a terrible storm blew up. there was lightning and thunder and rain came down in torrents - i was frightening! all at once there was a knock at the gate and the old king went out to open it.

standing outside was a princess. what a sight she was our there in the storm! she didn't look like a princess. water was running down her hair and her clothes. it wan in at the tips of her shoes and out at the heels. still, she said she was a real princess.

"well, we shall soon see about that!" thought the old queen. she didn't say anything, but she went into the bedroom, took off all the bedding and placed a pea on the bottom of the bed. then she took twenty mattresses and laid them on top of the pea, and then twenty of the softest featherbeds on top of the mattresses. that is where the princess had to sleep for the night.

in the morning they asked how she had slept. "oh, it was miserable!" said the princess. "i hardly slept a wink all night! goodness knows what was in the bed! i was lying on something so hard that i am black and blue all over. it's perfectly awful!"

then of course, they knew she was a real princess, because she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty featherbeds. no one but a real princess could have such tender skin as that.

and so the prince took her as his wife, because now he knew he had a real princess. the pea was put in a museum where it can still be seen, unless someone has taken it.

now how's that for a good story?

hans christian anderson

fallen words

2011-07-20T10:46:00.001-07:00

katy perry came through the speakers last night while we were transferring patients and keeping up with diet orders when my new coworker asked me what kind of music i listen to.

um. DUH. i could start listing my head off.

but in that moment, there was a battle going on en mi cabeza. should i tell her about my vast collection of hillsong cds in which i have each track memorized? how i love rocking out to david crowder band in my car (esp track 13 of church music)? how i used to choose 107.9 over klove, but now prefer scott and kelly in the morning any day? or do i try and stay mainstream and tell her about taylor swift and sara bareilles and country songs that make me cry?

what i came up with was this: "i listen to a bunch of different stuff."

LAME.

we're (i'm) so fickle sometimes. i constantly wish that i can connect on a deeper level with my friends outside of acacia/church bubble. i talk about it, i pray about it.. all that kinda spiritual stuff that makes me feel like i'm actively trying to make a difference in the spheres around me apart from my own personal walk.

but i shy away from connecting conversation with my faith because i feel like it would then require an explanation. and with explanation comes fear that i won't say the right thing, or much worse, that i don't even know how to express this part of me that is so core to my existence.

last night i was reading:

the lord was with samuel as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground.

in retrospect, my reply is what fell to the ground. conversation ended there and we continued to file and answer patient phone calls. what would it be like to let god take hold of my conversations? if i truly let go of my own hesitations then maybe that's where he let's his words take flight.

tortoise beats the hare, i hear.

2011-06-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

my goodness. i didn't realize there were training schedules like this for people running 10k races! as you can see, i'm running a little behind. meh hehe.. until now, i've only been going out to run as soon as i get home from work until it gets dark. the window period for such to to take place is usually only about 20-30 minutes. and seeing as yesterday was the longest day of the year, nights will only start ending sooner and sooner. bah humbug. what did i get myself into!?!? maybe i'll just show up, grab my not-so-free tshirt and get frozen yogurt in nice air-conditioned store. no electrolytes lost! siiigh.

i invite you to witness the progression of my 10k training from now until july 16. wish me luck!

so fresh and so clean!

2011-06-21T23:31:00.001-07:00

I may have mentioned before how I sometimes write about completely random things to mask the stuff that's really going on in my life. This is no exception. What better way to break my month long blog fast than to tell you about my Scope Outlast long lasting mouthwash?!? Wheeeee :D

I bought this two pack on sale several months ago at Wal-Mart and never regretted the purchase. Buying stuff like mouthwash or toothpaste or peanut butter is always so tricky. The problem is, if you open it and decide you don't like it, there's really not much you can do other than suffer through the entire contents of the product until you finish it - which can takes weeks, of not a few months!

Happened with my vanilla flavored Listerine (yoock) and then with my Crest whitening rinse in fresh mint (that stuff burns). All together, I'm very happy with my Scope Outlast. It's super minty but not so much that you feel like your tongues being incinerated by the 13% emerald green alcohol. Yommmm. One swish in the morning and another after flossing at night and I'm good to go!

So there you have it. A wonderfully insightful look into one of the most mundane routines in the life of yours truly :)

Hehee welcome back blog!

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not mine

2011-04-19T14:40:00.001-07:00

the saddest part about turning twenty six is that my pandora one that my brother signed me up for last year will expire. no white hairs yet! woohoo

and seeing as it's been a hot topic as of recent, i'll hop on the bandwagon and share my thoughts. = ] i'm now 1465 days closer to turning thirty (holy spicy guacamole!) i'm sitting here trying to come up with a list of things to do before i hit three-oh, but i'm realizing that i'm a lot better at listing things that need to be done within the next 24 hours than i am filling the following years of my life with giant idea bubbles. i just dunno..

all i can think of right now..

visit a real life hippo - i once begged my mom to take me to the fresno zoo to see their hippo. all summer long she said she'd take me but we never got around to entering the zoo gates. finally when she was ready to take me, we read that the hippo died.

run a 5k - really ambitious, i know. but i think i can do it, so long as i quit planting my butt in front of my laptop when i come home from work. i should also consider getting some running shoes and gym shorts..

learn to take better pictures - i love looking at pretty things. half the blogs i follow are just pretty pictures and artsy fartsy design stuff. i don't need high tech camera or anything (i already bought a fancy $3.99 camera app for my phone to take care of that) i think i just need to learn to have a good eye for framing the subject.

visit my favorite niece - (as much as i possibly can) i'm determined to make her first word be "bo" :D plus she's just mega cute and i don't want to watch her grow up through youtube videos.

go swimming - my coworker bought me a pair of flippers for my birthday a few years ago and they're sO cool. like swimming on auto-pilot. they're most fun to use in a lake but i've only gotten a chance to do that once. for awhile i was taking them to the racquet club but found it kinda embarrassing that the saggy old guys were swimming as fast as me without any fins. meh.

eat better - cooking for one is kind of a pain. but it shouldn't excuse me from eating frosted flakes for dinner. i know better. (although, for all the fortification that's going on with breakfast cereals, it's practically like eating a bowl of vitamins)

remember what i read - i read tons of great books. unfortunately i always get really excited about what i'm reading and have a tendency to read straight through a book - not giving myself enough time to process the information. that combined with my peanut brain equals nothing being solidified into my mental RAM.

hmm. well, there you go. that's my bucket list for now. there's also things like marrying a hot guy traveling and living in a house with a real stovetop but those tend to be a little more nebulous and cloudy so i'm just not gonna go there ^__<

trusting in creative hands

get it together!

2011-04-10T22:36:00.001-07:00

meh. i'm so tired.

my room is a mess, dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be taken care of and i think my bunny has been fasting for the last 2 days. woops.

my coworker had convinced me that trader joe's jelly beans are the greatest so i bought a bag tonight hoping to eat them while watching the most recent episode of parenthood. turns out, half of them are licorice. yooooock. and they're all a dark red color which makes them virtually indistinguishable from the blackberry flavor that is not too bad =/ to make things worse, my internet connection is kapoooot. i called at&t awhile ago to see if i could get a better deal on my internet.. now it seems i am paying $4 more per month and hulu streams at about 5 screens per minute. what is going onnnnnn

happy news = i bought shawn mcdonald's cd back in my sophomore year of college. and it's still good.. my youtube playlist is much easier than linking them out individually = ]

new week! new joys! here we goooo

bookshelf love.

2011-04-04T23:02:00.001-07:00

Kindle edition: $9.87
Paperback: $10.19

Borders: $14.99

For a difference of 32 cents, I can have a paper copy to hold in my hands ..in 2 days. I love Amazon and no matter how sad I am to see bookstores close around me, I'm still inclined to buy with 1-click ordering. But Kindle version?! I thought it'd be significantly cheaper than its printed equal. I can't think that more people are choosing wirelessly-sent texts over the real thing.

Remember the part in beauty and the beast where he surprises belle with a room full of books? SO great. I'd fall in love with a beast too.
________________

what dr. mohler has to say about disappearing bookstores

snuffle bear says hi brenda

2011-03-30T10:46:00.001-07:00

i think it's a girl thing.. to have weird obsession with pillows. it's recently come to my attention that i have way too many pillows on my bed. even though it's a gigumbus queen size bed with more room than i could possibly need, much of the surface area is occupied by my collection of pillows. a little ridiculous - i find myself sleeping gingerly around my pillows in fear that i might accidentally push one over into the dark trenches between my bed and the wall. last night i took three of the puffier ones out and found it to be a very liberating experience.

so out of the kindness of my heart, i'd like to donate my extra pillows to anyone who needs one. any takers? ^_<

secondly, this morning i turned on the tv to watch the news only to find that the only non-infomercial segment that airs this time of day is the view. i used to watch it when lisa ling was one of the hosts many many years ago. (go azn ppl!!) surprisingly, barbara walters is still on the show. she must be about 100 years old by now. anyone else watch 20/20 every friday night when you were a kid?!

anyways, the topics on the show today nearly made me hurl. (good thing i didn't cuz my breakfast was really good) first topic on the show: 10 things mothers should never feel guilty about. items ranged from choosing your work over your kids, lying to other moms about your kids, wanting to desert your kid after they puke all over you.. granted i have no idea what it's like to mother a small child but i hear it's not easy. the problem with these discussions is that while they sympathize with women on the hardships with motherhood, they don't give them any sort of substantial encouragement on pressing on with their role. instead, they tell women exactly what they want to hear, assure them that it's okay to feel selfish and justify their behavior.

topic two: they hosted a lady who chose her career over her family and is now generating lots of heat over her decision. this lady married her childhood sweetheart, decided she never wanted to have kids, but because of her husband, had 2 boys. she later travels to japan for a couple months to write her book, comes back and decides she really doesn't want kids afterall, divorces her husband, and says her now 13 and 15 year old boys completely understand her decision to leave. uhh.. i wouldn't be surprised if her boys fall into the 10+% of americans on antidepressants. the hosts graciously thank her for being brave in offering an alternative view on the female role, seeing as they are sort of a woman empowerment segment, but it's really quite disturbing.

scary to think there are thousands of women at home right now watching this show and taking it all in. ehh oh well. i get off my soapbox and get ready for work now.

pillows anyone?!?!

seasons are changing

2011-03-29T21:51:00.001-07:00

High protein breakfast for my grueling workout commute to work. Starts with yogurt and granola and then a whole wheat English muffin with a fried egg, Italian style meatloaf and melted Toscano cheese. I would've had milk instead of orange juice but sometimes milk does funny things to my stomach.

I haven't filled out a job application in nearly 4 years.

heaven's tree

2011-03-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

started a new blog. collaboratively this time = ]

this is how it came about:

mike sent an email out to sac small group about a book he'd recently picked up. (i wonder what keywords he was searching to come across this book ^_< )

i was browsing the kindle store and found this book- "Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment" - it's the highest rated free kindle book on amazon. despite the title i downloaded and read the first chapter- it seems pretty good and applicable to both men and women. the good thing about a kindle book is that there's no cover, so if someone asks you what you're reading you can say "uhhhhhhh........ i'm reading about cars. isn't the subaru impreza STI amazing...." anyways, hope this helps someone. isn't it weird how we can be so blessed materially yet struggle with contentment?

it turns out osmond had read it as well. osmond reads a lot. he writes,

I realize that Christian men miss out on a lot of really good material if we ignore the things women have written. Calm My Anxious Heart is one of the best books I have read. I have just about every page highlighted. It is intensely God-honoring, practical, relevant, Biblically-based, and uplifting.

we wanted to start an email thread where we can share our thoughts about the book but decided that email spamming everyone probably isn't the most effective route of communication. so a blog was suggested. wallaaaaah! hope you all will visit it and see what's going on over there.

and don't forget to comment!! ..you may have noticed, i'm very blog oriented. or rather, my thoughts are more constructive in writing than in real-time dialogue. i always thought it'd be cool if there was a place online for people to share their thoughts and other fun things they see/hear/learn every day - seeing as most of us are in front of a computer all day at work hehe anyways, love to hear from you :D

lemme know if you want to be a contributor too!

rain is good for:

* free car wash
* excellent conditions for wearing rainboots
* better crop yields for the season, which hopefully means lower produce prices =/
* excuse for a bad hair day
* cheeseball asian music

being good

2011-03-23T22:17:00.001-07:00

Interesting.. having completed my 32-point parallel park job on I street (lightly tapping the pick up in front of me to squeeze into the space), I got out and thanked the Lord that no one was around to witness the event. As I stuck my hands into my pockets and bowed my hooded head against the wind, an older lady from behind me caught up with my pace to say she wanted to remind me to pay for parking, but then remembered that it's actually free after 6pm. So nice!

This is how the rest of brief meeting went down.

"Thanks for being so considerate! Have a good night!!"

"You too, dear. Be good. Don't be a bad girl. Remember your mom. Remember your mom!!"

"I will, thanks..."

My first thought.. where does she think I'm going?? I won't tell you ^_< Second thought, I called my mom this morning after a mild freak out moment while at work. Bah.

And finally, I thought.. this lady probably has in her mind that when your mom is on your conscience, then the possibility of committing any matters of mischief are out of question. Could be true.. maybe. But I was thinking, if not for God, what gives anyone any reason to be good?

Our current culture has adapted a morality by majority belief, which doesn't really answer the question since we as humans, are inherently flawed (or just sinful) and therefore cannot form the distinction between right and wrong on our own. Again, depends on what side of the boat you're on..

Surely you have heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by your deceitful desires, to be new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4

Thank you ssg :)

torn. over a toilet seat.

2011-03-18T16:35:00.001-07:00

That was my doing. I almost wanted to add a follow up message saying something to the effect of ::your future wife will appreciate you even more:: but decided I'd rather not live with the fear of getting girl-slapped every time I leave my room.

I hold strongly to my statement that as a visiting guy, you should respect the lady's room and return it to its original condition upon completion of your business. No exceptions.

But I wonder.. would I have any grounds for argument when the home is shared between a guy and girl? On an all-female floor it seems pretty straight forward and logical that the seat remains down. But when the bathroom becomes equally shared between two people, what right do I have to demand that the seat always be down for me - just cuz that's how I like it?

The inconvenience of having to put the seat down is just the same for the opposing party. In fact now that I think about it, the guys have it really bad! Not only would he be putting the seat down after use, but prior to, he'd have to lift it to start! That's double seat lifting action!

I'm not ready to say that I feel bad for the guy just yet, but I'm starting to question my expectations. Such a dilemma! What do you all think?

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2011-03-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

ever feel completely useless?
well turns out, we are.
i hate watching the news but then i think, if i don't, i'm just being completely ignorant and made even more useless by not devoting at least a thought to people in need. so i watch. and my insides feel like they want to come out.

in new york on saturday, a tragic bus crash killed and injured all passengers aboard. if not earthquake, then floods. if not sickness, then accidents. life is so delicate. beautiful in its intricacies, but like a spider web, prone to destruction by the simple passing of lawn sprinklers. why do i get a chance?

One thing I know that I have found
Through all the troubles that surround
You are the Rock that never fails, You never fail
One thing I know that I believe
Through every blessing I receive
You are the only One that stays, You always stay

You never change, You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
Everlasting God

keep talking to our father today..

can't remember...

2011-03-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

i frequently equate my memory capacity to that of a hamster -- and for good reason. my short-term memory sucks. meaning i usually find myself having to turn off my car, run back into the house and up the stairs to my room because i'd forgotten to grab the very reason why i was in the car in the first place. i've come out of the grocery store with exactly what i didn't go in for. i instantaneously lose my train of thought the moment it enters my head. this list can get really long but i'll stop for the sake of not forgetting why i logged into my blog >_<

on wednesday this week, i'm going in for an MRI of my brain and i'm really excited. i'm volunteering my noodles for someone's research at UCDMC, but mostly i just want to see what my brain looks like. funny thing, when i was young i used to wish i could be diagnosed with a learning disability or some kind of brain abnormality. i thought it'd be much easier to blame a neurological malfunction for having to try so much harder learning math compared to other kids.

on the flip side, my long-term memory is kind of a super hero compared to its shorter counterpart. it'd be nice if i could remember really important things like the sum total of 6 years worth of chinese school and maybe biochem. but instead, i have this weird selective memory where the things that occupy precious space in my brain for years to come are mostly frivolous and trivial. things like knowing apple juice gives kids diarrhea because of excess sorbitol =/ same with chewing lots of gum.

but i'm thinking maybe i can harness this super power of mine for good rather than letting it become a storehouse of extraneous facts. anyone have any tips on how to voluntarily force things into my hippocampus?

postcard from fairy land

2011-03-10T14:04:00.001-08:00

Today I vacuumed, picked flowers, cooked, and read. And sometimes I'd devote a few moments to writing my paper and working on my stack of research approval forms.

And now it's lunch time and I'm back to reading ^____^

"How far have you got?" asked Curdie.

"I've got about the half away, but the other half is ever so much bigger."

"I don't think you will have to move the lower half. Do you see the slab laid up against the wall?"

Irene looked, and felt about with her hands, and soon perceived the outlines of the slab.

"Yes," she answered, "I do."

"Then, I think," rejoined Curdie, "when you have cleared the slab about halfway down, or a bit more, I shall be able to push it over."

"I must follow my thread," returned Irene, "whatever I do."

"What do you mean?" exclaimed Curdie. "You will see when you get out," answered the princess, and went on harder than ever.

But soon she was satisfied that what Curdie wanted done and what the thread wanted done were one and the same thing. For she not only saw that by following the turns of the thread she had been clearing the face of the slab, but that, a little more than halfway down, the thread went through the chink between the slab and the wall into the place where Curdie was confined, so that she could not follow it until the slab was out of her way. As soon as she found this, she said in a right joyous whisper:

"Now, Curdie, I think if you were to give a great push, the slab would tumble over."

"Stand quite clear of it, then," said Curdie, "and let me know when you are ready."

Irene got off the heap, and stood one side of it. "Now Curdie!" she cried.

Curdie gave a great rush with his shoulder against it. Out tumbled the slab on the heap, and out crept Curdie over the top of it.

"You saved my life, Irene!" he whispered.

"Oh, Curdie, I'm so glad! Let's get out of this horrid place as fast as we can."

The Princess and the Goblin, George MacDonald

today we learn the alphabet

2011-03-03T22:36:00.001-08:00

it is quite possible that i have the best brother on earth.

he gets me ^___^ he also gives great advice.

also, why are pandas so freaking cute?

and something for your brain/heart to munch on this thursday evening: (don't worry, to be fair there's an alphabet for both guys and girls)

If you're a woman dating someone or considering it, ask yourself, Is he:

A -- Accountable
B -- a Believer
C -- Courageous
D -- Discerning
E -- an Example for other, younger men
F -- Faithful
G -- Gentle, Generous
H -- Husbandlike
I -- an Initiator
J -- Just
K -- Kind
L -- a Leader
M -- Masculine
N -- Noble
O -- Obedient to God
P -- able to Provide
Q -- Quick-witted
R -- Resourceful
S -- a Sage
T -- Trustworthy
U -- Under Authority
V -- Vigorous
W -- a good Worker
X -- eXcellent in his efforts
Y -- Yearning for God
Z -- Zealous for righteousness

And not to forget, we ladies have much to strive for as well!

A -- Aware; of the big picture, of the world around her
B -- a Believer
C -- open to having Children
D -- Dignified
E -- Excellent in her pursuits
F -- Full of Faith
G -- Gracious
H -- Honorable
I -- Inventive
J -- Just
K -- Kind
L -- Loving
M -- Modest
N -- Noble
O -- Obedient to the authority in her life
P -- Pure
Q -- capable of being Quiet
R -- Resourceful
S -- Skilled, Stable
T -- Trustworthy
U -- Under Authority
V -- Victorious
W -- a Worshipper
X -- an eXample to others
Y -- Yearning for God
Z -- full of Zoe "life of God"

2011-03-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

umm.. i don't really have much to say so you get another playlist.

Bruno Mars - Count On Me
Priscilla Ahn - Dream
Plain White Ts - Rhythm of Love
Boys Like Girls - Two Is Better Than One
Hillsong - Bones

save the last one, i should probably stay away from songs like these..

take me back

2011-02-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

oh my goodness! i never thought i'd see this ever again! when i was in third grade, my teacher would take us outside to make maple syrup/molasses pops in the snow - just like the native iroquois indians did in the back countries of new york. (this was before hepatitis b became a public health crisis and teachers could feed their kids anything without prior parental approval) such fun memories! of course ours never looked as good as these pictures, seeing as our motor development skills hadn't quite perfected themselves just yet.

sacramento was supposed to get some snow this weekend.. but from the looks of it, no snowflake stands a chance under the sun today >_< hard to remember the days when i'd have to bring a second pair of shoes to change into when we got to school, leaving our snowy boots in the cubbies outside the classroom, making snow forts during recess, letting out mittens and gloves dry on top of the heaters.. and best of all, watching the news every morning after a storm to see if our school was closed for the day ^____^

ever feel like you just want to get away?

2011-02-24T16:40:00.001-08:00

So impressed! I just got a package from my parents full of pineapple cakes and this yummy peanutty milky snack thing from taiwan. and on the bottom of the package, my jj lin cd!! Yeahhhh!

But it's not just a cd..first of all, the whole cd/dvd deal came with a sample of strain removing toothpaste. perfect!! Who would've thought that minty fresh breath would significantly enhance the listening experience? Taiwanese people are genius.

When I opened the case I was greeted by pop up card of jj lin rising out of a pool of flames. Very dramatic. American people just don't think of stuff like this. To top it of, the case insert also doubles as a poster of jj's face. I can't wait to clear out space on my wall to display it.

And for whatever reason, they've also included a photo book that narrates some sort of story in chinese that I have yet to decipher.

If you need me, I'll be eating my pineapple cakes, schmoozing to asian pop music and thinking about how cool it'd be to live in taiwan for the next few hours :)

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come away with me

2011-02-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

eeh.. who's the debbie downer who's been posting all these emo schmemo monologues?? here's a little video just for fun = ] i sped it up double time so you don't have to spend 10 minutes experiencing insane vertigo - let me know if there's a better way to do this.

if watching this makes you feel like throwing up, at least the music is good ^_<

start with step one

2011-02-21T23:28:00.001-08:00

O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; nor do I involve myself in great matters, or in things too difficult for me. Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child rests against his mother, my soul is like a weaned child within me. O Israel, hope in the LORD. From this time forth and forever.

Ever read a verse and feel like you're reading it for the very first time? Actually, this happens more often than I'm proud to say. I blame my hamster memory for that.. and this one in particular, I blame the fact that Psalm 131 is only 3 verses and separated by a page flip in el biblio. Whatever the case, I'm still trying to figure out what this little chunk all means in the scope of the madness that is inside me. Within this twitter length Psalm is a command, a prayer, a comforting promise, and a call for deep conviction -- a bit much to take. But I think in the end, it'll turn out okay ..right?

times up

2011-02-16T18:08:00.001-08:00

could my mom have been right?? my mom has always likened the life of a woman to that of a blooming flower. charming, isn't it? more recently, she's let me know that i've advanced to the stage of having blossomed. hooray! but the compliment never lasts long.

flowers bloom but not for long;

soon they will wither and die.

in other words, you're not getting any younger.

media coverage in the world of dating and marriage (christian or not) has churned out increasing numbers of articles and cover stories emphasizing the benefits of tying the knot before hitting 30. people have done the research and published evidence that the likelihood of a having successful marriage is strongly related to marrying at a younger age.

they've got it down to a science, it seems. kinda like, drink milk and you'll be tall and play basketball like yao ming. but in real life, you're just a lactose intolerant asian guy who's height potential is genetically predetermined. so apparently the window period of obtaining a life of happiness and joy has been determined to be between 22 to 25. shucks.

on the flip side, i could find someone within that age range and cut the risks by 50% ^_<

i'm encouraged that many writers don't solely focus on age but acknowledge that many other factors contribute to the success of marriage. what do you think about this?

tangentially related..

as of late, i've felt that the subject of relationships and marriage has become a topic that most would rather side-step out of. i wonder why. i mean, i could very well be on my own here but i highly doubt it. are people uncomfortable, embarrassed, awkward.. (believe me, it'll always be awkward regardless. there's no other way) what about the fear of turning this desire into an obsession, or worse yet, an idol. or one of my favorites, being single allows you to wholly devote yourself to serving god - of which would be impossible if you were otherwise attached. all perfectly legitimate arguments.

but i can't help but think that this aversion towards a healthy discussion of something so present in our lives right now can only bring about an unhealthy attitude and approach to said topic. by healthy discussion, i mean talking about your thoughts on getting to know someone, dating, worries, expectations, fears, excitement and hopes.. it's not about name dropping or matchmaking or complaining or hate-fest man bashing. just talk.

i have much more to say on the topic but i'll save it for another day. i blame the month of february, the color pink, and the letter K for all these schmoozy posts.

a father's heart

2011-02-15T01:09:00.000-08:00

when i was 7 years old, like any second grade girl, i wanted a polly pocket so bad. growing up, my family was never too big on toys. there was the occasional hairless barbie from my older cousins and a few reject my little ponies - and it definitely didn't help that my older sister was not a fan of cute girly things. so when it came to toys, i was on my own.

no one understood why i lovelovelove little hunks of plastic that come in every imaginable color. why furry stuffed bears and bunnies and penguins were so precious to me. why i'd lie in bed nights on end dreaming of having these things for myself. and when i finally did, why i'd treasure them so much and believe that they were my very best friends.

no one except my dad. leaving my mom and sister impatiently waiting at the front of toys r us, my dad bought me my very own polly pocket. he was so happy to see me so happy and even played with me despite how is dad fingers completely dwarfed the 1/2 inch plastic figures.

throughout the years, there were several more instances.. when the rest of my family was scratching their heads in disbelief, my dad was helping me set up my tomogotchi. as my family was getting ready to leave the mall during closing time, my dad rushed in to grab the last furby baby just before the metal gates closed in. even my collection of backstreet boys and nsync cds came from my dad. it's not like he ever spoiled me or caved in whenever something new and fuzzy caught my eye. but i know that my dad would do anything within his power to see me happy.

far more reaching than toys, he never misses my calls or emails. as busy as he is at work, he'd take the time to say hi or answer my silly questions like why some tires kick up more water than others when it rains. if i were lost on the road he'd google map me back home. if i were being bullied by other people he'd comfort me until my cellphone battery died. and when my heart was broken he made sure i was plugged into the charger first and then listened to me cry for an hour.

in my life, there's nothing that comes close to the way my dad loves me and cares for me and is constantly thinking about and praying over me. sometimes i get annoyed when he asks me what time i'll be at work and what time i'll be coming home. or who i'm hanging out with. or more specifically, who all those boys are in my pictures. but i've realized that that is a father's heart. and i'm so blessed to have a dad like mine.

having recently fallen in love with taiwan's newest pop star, jj lin, i emailed my dad today who's currently in taiwan with my mom to see if he could find me his cd. within hours of sending the email, he responded saying he was somewhere called Far East 21 with my mom and to stay tuned. shortly after he emailed me again to let me know they'd found it (hooray!) ..and that he doesn't approve of my taste in men, as he doesn't think the guy is too good looking.

sitting at my desk now after a day of ups and downs, i realize how silly i've been all this time. today i thank god for graciously placing me in this amazing (like, you have no idea) family. my brother and sister both spewed love on me at work when i was likely to break down at a moment's notice. my parents, halfway around the world, set out on a mission for me hours before they climb back into a plane homeward bound. and yet, here i am eating a cinnamon roll and being a poop.

but the word says:

if you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

matthew 7:11

pwned again. the bible calls my dad evil. evil!?!? are you freaking kidding me? my dad can sing like my furby! but it's true. we are all subject to the sinful nature of man - even my dad. and if even my dad can know me and love me and desire only the best for me, how much greater is the love of my heavenly father for me.

no one except my Dad. sometimes it's a little harder for me to get it. i can call my dad right now and by the grace of verizon's international cell phone service, he will pick up and unfailingly call me by my nickname at $4 a minute. on the other hand, when i pray to my heavenly father, i hear the resounding tick of my wall clock and the sound of my bunny burrowing through my couch. it's difficult then to believe that he sees my mounting pile of tissue paper. but though it's a struggle, i believe his word to be true and the presence of his spirit to be real. the answer to my prayers were given through my family and his word and i'm kicking and fighting to accept it, but i think that's okay.

afterall, how much more...

I love..

2011-02-14T10:57:00.001-08:00

Good morning! It's Valentine's day :D I woke up this morning hungry as always and thought, wouldn't it be lovely to make a cutey breakfast for the one I love today? I am a girl afterall. But then I realized Bob needed his breakfast so that bubble was quickly popped and I rushed downstairs to feed my old friend.

An hour later I came back.. still hungry. So I made myself something to eat, all the while thinking, might as well get some practice in while I've got the time ^_<

Scrambled eggs always taste better when they're shaped like bunnies.

I will gladly eat bread crusts for the rest of my life if it means being able to make toasted hearts for you forever.

Hahahahaa okay. Enough silliness. I'm going to work now ^__^

lovely to have my voice back

2011-02-12T23:21:00.001-08:00

a short playlist at your disposal if you're ever sitting at your desk thinking, "if only i could listen to what she's listening to". amazing isn't it? it's like i can read your mind. strange feeling to hear a song and in my weird and messed up psyche believe that it were written especially for me. kidding....

wakeup starlight - one step away

jadon lavik - what if

jj lin - love & hope

nelly (sam tsui) - just a dream

adie - all i need is you

kari jobe - sweep me away

neyo (jason chen) - one in a million

and here's my request in return for your listening pleasure. the weather is unbelievably perfect. go enjoy it and remember to dedicate a few minutes of your fun to me while i sit inside my office. thnx <3

Pass me a cough drop please.

2011-02-08T23:08:00.001-08:00

Class has gotten me thinking again as always.. But since I have less than 5 hours before I have to go to work, you'll just have to wait for the next episode of brain expulsion.

in terms of praises for the day, my voice finally returned after 5 freaking days. hooray. Although not completely..talking to patients all day didn't really help the state of my poor vocal chords.

I also learned that cheerios aren't really as great as they're advertised to be.

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streaming through my brain

2011-02-01T23:27:00.000-08:00

when i first started driving, one of the most exciting things for me was to reprogram all the radio stations to my liking. no more family talk radio or whatever those AM stations broadcast.. my presets would include all the hit stations with alternative and r&b and hiphop. basically my presets determine my level of coolness among ..well, me. however, i'd always leave one preset for the lone christian rock station. only because that's what i should do..

i love worship music and there are specific christian artists where i could sing through their entire history of discography, but i've never been much of a fan of .christian rock. i now realize it's probably because i never spent enough time listening to them to understand the words that were so thoughtfully penned. instead, i was rocking out to eiffel 65's song blue, in which the lyrics, hands down, spoke leagues into my heart.

i'm blue da ba dee da ba die...

i have a blue house with a blue window.
blue is the colour of all that I wear.

epically profound, agreed?

about a year ago, having scratched all my hillsong cd's, i started toggling between klove and air1 in my car to avoid the horror of skipping tracks. admittedly, i was slightly unimpressed. how can anyone dance to this?! it's like all of mainstream music had excelled in musicality, leaving christian music behind in the dust. i know now that i was completely oblivious. have you listened to katy perry recently? -___-

the more i listened to the station, the more i became familiar with the songs and come to like them ..a lot. i still furrow my eyebrows sometimes at the commentaries and stories they tell on air, but mostly i'm completely humbled by the fact that god is indeed changing lives everywhere and i'm too stubborn and cynical to believe it. and so when i heard a lady's experience about taking klove's 30 day challenge, i was once again shot down.

apparently klove hosted the 30 day challenge where each participant would only listen to klove music for 30 days straight. nothing else. according to this lady, angie's experience, it changed her life. going from an embittered woman who found out she couldn't have her own biological children, to one who rejoiced at the circumstances god had placed her in. my first reaction was O_o pah. really? yet as soon as my sardonic mind flipped into action, the words from psalms floated through.

sing to the lord a new song, sing to the lord all the earth

he put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our god
i will sing of your strength in the morning, i will sing of your love

doh. that is far from what goes on in my mind these past few mornings. at work we have our comcast station set on the hit list. so everyday, for 8 hours, bruno mars and rihanna and co. stream into my mind at point blank. even though i might not consciously pay attention to it or scribble down the words to memorize later, i attest to waking up with

cuz baby toniiiight, dj got us falling in love againnnn

so dance dance like it's the last last night of your life

perhaps popping and locking out the door is a good way to brave my morning walk to work but otherwise, maybe not such a good way to start the day. i don't think i could commit to the 30 day challenge considering all the .noise. that's around me. but that's just it, there's so much noise, and there's always going to be noise whether or not i choose to dial the radio to 89.9. the evil that is battling for our hearts is not stupid. in fact, he's rather crafty and amazingly good at what he does. last week in small group we talked about what it's like to not fall in love with the things of this world during our days living on this earth. at least for me, it's something i'd consciously have to think about.

submit yourselves then, to god. resist the devil and he will flee from you.

come near to god and he will come near to you.

is usher the devil? is listening to .secular. music bad? yeahh.. i don't know. he's got some crazy talent. but if it is obstructing my relationship with my heavenly father, as early as the time my first alarm goes off, then maybe there's something not quite right. last sunday, mr. newton challenged us to make this our prayer - to know god more. it's not quite as fancy and flashy as klove's 30 day challenge, but i think it's a good place to start. afterall, he is my creator and loves me despite how bad i've messed up his creation that is me.

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

now about klove's next great love song, i'd love to have a conversation with you about that!

to stronger lungs!

2011-01-29T22:52:00.000-08:00

i admit i'm not trying to be superwoman or anything. i'm just trying to stay reasonably in shape. the last time a nurse checked my lungs, she had cautioned me of having some underlying issue with my below average lung capacity. probably explains why it hurts so much when i finally reach the landing of the stairwell on the fourth floor of my hospital.

today i ran one mile. tomorrow i might run one mile again. maybe more, maybe less. and by the end of february i might run just one mile still. but i think that's okay. i figure 10 minutes of running is really nothing compared to the hours i spend jumping from website to website.

i hear that running can be a good time to think about things. unfortunately i was too caught up in my irregular breathing pattern while avoiding sloshing into potholes so i didn't really get a chance for contemplation. but if i were able to think, i'd probably be weighing the possibilities of my future that for some reason is impatiently demanding a definitive response from me. bah.

and the picture up there? well, that's how i felt after i closed the circle to my one mile. poor kevin. perhaps a better day tomorrow!

~~~~~~~~

this is just my luck. i have a sore throat.
my current vitamin c intake is about 5 times the RDA.
-_________-"

ringing in my ears

2011-01-25T00:49:00.000-08:00

i think there are websites that can help me embed playlists into my blog. it'd be pretty awesome if i could figure out how to do that but unfortunately my techno-savvy prowess only encompasses the addition of unfocused jpegs and the occasional witty one-liner in italics.

so instead, i'll just list off a few songs that i really like today :D

Shawn McDonald - Closer
Matt Brouwer - Better Days (goo goo dolls cover)
Lincoln Brewster - The Power of Your Name
Among the Thirsty - I'd Need a Savior
Switchfoot - Your Love is a Song
Final Fantasy 7 - Tifa's Theme
Kirk Franklin - My Life is in Your Hands

and cuz i'm a girl and i like stuff like this ^_~
Taylor Swift - Enchanted
Jason Chen - Romeo & Juliet

it might be fun to do a weekly playlist of songs i'm listening to.

in my own little world

2011-01-24T00:05:00.001-08:00

I think it might be liberating to run outside the pages of my notebooks. The only problem is finding an open field where I won't crash into anything or be met by stationary, obstinant encounters.

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now playing: brahms intermezzo in a major

2011-01-20T22:39:00.001-08:00

some days the piano bench is the most comfortable seat in the room.

An unconventional look

2011-01-19T02:35:00.001-08:00

Before I forget what all my scribbled notes mean, I thought I'd put some thoughts together..

The climate of our society is changing. It's always been changing of course, and people and groups and Facebook fans are rising up to voice their opinions everyday in an attempt to steer the trajectory of the world in their direction.. and some ideas are good. Really good. Things that remind me that hope is still thriving in this day. But then there are things just stir my insides like a grande vanilla latte.

Tonight in class we talked about the debut of a book by Joan Wolf that's hitting bookshelves this Tuesday. This book is particularly interesting to us being that the author vehemently argues against breastfeeding in today's society. (With a title like "Is Breast Really Best?" you know there's going to be some heated discussion during our 3.5 hour class segment.) If you know anything about what I advocate and the field of study I'm in, you'll know that I'm a strong proponent of exclusive breastfeeding up to 6 months of age. My stance is based not only on the health and nutritional benefits of breastfeeding to the mom and child, but also the sociological implications that it entails. Not to mention, the design of the woman's body for such a role.

A little bit about this author, Wolf is an outspoken feminist with an equally loud group of followers. Her articles and counter-articles about breastfeeding have been published on huge news platforms (paper and digital) and she's been spotlit on major broadcasting stations regarding the topic. You'd likely falter under her rapid-fire arguments against breastfeeding if you weren't prepared. Here's the gripping deal though. Why so adament against this natural process?

Wolf argues that society has brainwashed the today's woman into believing in the concept of total motherhood. This perspective obligates mothers to be experts in everything concerning the child, including their physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being and to be the primary caregiver in meeting all these needs. On top of that, they are to be completely self-sacrificial, realizing that what the mom wants and what the child needs should never come into conflict. For example, a sleep deprived new mother is woken up yet again by her screaming baby at 3am. The mother wants to ignore the cries and go back to sleep but society has conditioned her into thinking that to be a good mom means to get out of bed and attend to her newborn's needs.

Furthermore, Wolf is ready to defend women who consume alcohol or take illegal drugs during their pregnancy asserting that "there is no consistent, reliable evidence to indicate that alcohol categorically affects fetal development". Horrified that women could be placed at risk of legal prosecution for using drugs during pregnancy, she shifts the attention to questioning the role of the father in the upbringing of a child. In her opinion, women should not be burdened by the pressure of having to be the sole provider of the growing child within her. And neither should she be found in a position where she is forced to weigh the outcomes of satisfying her own desires with attending to the needs of her child after delivery.

Wolf writes that women today have bought into the lies of this total motherhood. An epidemic that leads women to quit their jobs, stay at home and take complete control over the livelihood of their child all in the name of good parenting. And if, for whatever reason, they are unable to adjust to the lifestyle of a traditional mom, they are to be shunned by other women who've mastered the art of motherhood, and they must inflict upon themselves guilt and self-hatred for not living up to these outrageous standards.

She believes that no woman should ever have to give up her desire to work because she thinks she needs to stay at home for the baby's sake. After all (she concludes), research does not show any significant data that breastfeeding affects the positive outcome of a child's growth in any way. In her book, the term sacrifice does not exist.

Upon reading her publications, I was horrified. Can she really be making these claims? And are there actually people who support her in this movement?? Personally I consider her a supremely radical feminist in my own terms, but I have a feeling this can be likened to the story of the frog being boiled alive. Changes are happening in our society that are ever so gradual that we may not even turn our head to notice.

She has a captivated audience. An audience that, 30 or 40 years ago may not have existed, but today, they're hungry for every word she's putting out.

These days more women are getting higher degrees in education compared to men. Women are obtaining jobs in higher places and bringing home paychecks well over those of their male counterparts. And yet they're still cursed with the biological role of birthing children. So how does the modern woman they deal with this? Another highly acclaimed writer goes so far as calling the state of child-raising a prison. Surely any woman these days would not enjoy the frequent feedings of a newborn and the constant 24/7 attention it needs. And breastfeeding?! Yeah right!

With an increasing percentage of women in the workforce, there is also a growing movement of women who are becoming dissatisfied with the pressure of having to conform to the traditional female role. This, of course, is nothing new. We're all familiar with the women's rights movement, the advent of birth control, laws to protect women's rights in the workplace, etc. And each time another women's rights battle is won, we celebrate a victorious milestone in our history books. Except that with every milestone, I believe we are also moving farther and farther away from the biological role that women were created to be.

But still, these super women are looking for answers and Wolf is leading a strong pack that is telling them exactly what they want to hear. The new message that is being put out now is that it's perfectly fine (and we applaud you) to choose a working lifestyle and we'll do everything we possibly can to help you raise a child as you grab onto another rung of the corporate ladder. No more guilt, no more weirdo expectations of living up to a 50s era Stepford wife model, and no more days (and sleepless nights) spent at home feeding the baby when you've got a tin can full of formula goodness at your disposal.

Is it possible that we're missing one huge point though? The last time I checked, the female body is the only one that is capable of developing the womb that carries the fetus. Biologically, her body is the only one that can shift through the stages of growing another human life within. Females have a skeletal structure that supports reproduction, an endocrine system that is so specific in its complex function of creating another life, and a mechanism for producing nourishment for the infant immediately after its birth that is unparelleled in males. Just to name a few. These basic facts are so intrinsic to the female design that it would be unnatural to override their functions.

* To be clear, I think that every family has a right to decide gender roles within their household and there is nothing wrong with the use of formula in infant feeding. I am certainly not unaware of life's curveballs.

However, could it be possible that this shifting social construct of our generation is leading us farther away from the original design of man and woman? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the many benefits of the movement for equality between men and women. But I believe that there are some things that have gotten out of hand. This prison that Hanna Rosin talks about is a unique place where mothers have the ability to nurture and raise her children with the supporting role of the father. And if that is your starting block, I really think a world of change can happen.

Now before any male reader starts thinking, "Yes, imma get me a stay at home wife to cook for me and fold my socks so I can live the life", I'd have to say much the opposite! Quantitative evidence of greater female enrollment in higher education compared to males and similar proportions in the workforce should be a sign to the guys that they need to step it up. In simple terms, unless men take up the responsibility to be men, then women in turn cannot fulfill their responsibilities as women.

Just like a frog being gradually boiled alive, our society is changing and there are a lot of seemingly innocent and subtle shifts in the way we do things. On the one hand, I know and believe these changes are inevitable. But on the other, I think there is a design that is perfect - and regardless of what the world says, this pattern just might be the hope for change in this world.

And now the caffeine has run its course in my system and I am very tired. It's likely that this essay of a post doesn't make much sense at all as I just hashed out the remains of my brain at the end of a long day.. but it was worth a try = ]

blasted hair.

2011-01-15T21:33:00.001-08:00

Alright friends, please help a sister in need.

Ever since my mom stopped cutting my hair for me, I've always been on the prowl for the cheapest hair salon. Most times I end up in a shoddy part of the neighborhood with an old lady telling me I don't look Chinese.. in Chinese, as she's whizzing away at my hair. And it's my curse that I'm always too shy or ke qi to tell her that it looks nothing like the picture I brought in. Or that one side is significantly shorter than the other. (After which I'd go home and attempt to remedy on my own)

The aftermath of these salon visits usually entails me pinning and tying up my mess of hair until I deem it necessary to visit the old lady once again. After all, maybe she's just been saving up her efforts to work her magic the next time I come in.

Except.. maybe not.

This afternoon, one of our dietitians came into the office and exclaimed toward the back of my head, "well aren't yOu having a bad hair today!" Granted, she's never been known in our office for her tact but that's certainly not what I'd expected having spent several moments in front of the mirror trying to tame and reinforce the frizzies.

So enough is enough. I need a hair stylist recommendation. Preferably one who speaks English and won't ask for my paycheck in return for an awesome hair cut. Also, I'd like to not have to do anything to it between the time I wake up and leave the door.

Thanks in advance.

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las primeras preguntas

2011-01-14T10:02:00.001-08:00

This past Wednesday acacia got a chance to meet and hang out with the English Family Group fellowship. I'm definitely not the social butterfly type but its so rewarding to make the effort to get to know some of the other women from my church.

Before the potluck, one of our advisors helped me come up with some conversation starter questions to catalyze dialogue between our fellowships. ..and also reduce the amount of potentially awkward silences that may occur ^_< In coming up with the questions, I had in mind, what sort of things would I want to know about this person that might help me understand him better in a relatively short amount of time? Being more of a reflective type rather than inquisitive, I came up with 3 out of 10 questions. :D

Later that night, I was thinking.. conversations and good questions are key to getting past the superficial sediments of the person and hitting closer to their core. There's always time for silly small talk and random exchanges of animal sounds and such, but I think there are times when choice words supersede :what's your favorite color:

So say, hypothetically, that you're in a speed date/blind date situation, what first questions would you be asking?

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commence the lovey dovey season!

2011-01-13T13:47:00.001-08:00

Unloved things must be deeply loved to become lovely.
- Chesterton

In thinking about serving and other things of the like, rarely do we find ourselves at the feet of a well manicured queen. James talks about helping the unclothed, the widows and the orphans. Jesus served people who had contagious diseases.

In my hospital, these people are put on contact precautions with signs warning care takers to gown up before entering their room. Psych patients are put under close watch and we try to turn another ear when they yell or make unpleasant comments. It's so easy to discriminate the lovely from the unlovely when signs of uncommon demeanor and appearance are so apparent.

And yet we're still called to love. Take it a step further and we find that :while we were still sinners, Christ died for us: sigh. How to let this love be reflected in my life?? I so much love to work in the hospital but I think there is so much to be learned when it comes to humbly coming before each patient in service and love. It should be less of a .job. and more of an obedient response to the love that we've received.

It's only January and Valentine's day items are already piling up on shelves everywhere. Unfortunately by February 15th all these things will be red-tagged and dumped in clearance bins.

Hoping we all find a love that lasts.

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the proverbial new beginning

2011-01-07T17:41:00.000-08:00

there's about 12 dozen things in my life that i would like to improve. for starters, my hair. someday i'll figure out how to make it look normal. and whatever i say, dOn't let me get a perm ever again. among others, my timeliness and adequate consumption of water.

another important thing i'd like to improve is my confidence. you'd think that having piano recitals every month of my life growing up would help but conversely, i'm more inclined to crawl into my mind of self-consciousness and doubt. fortunately i think i know the solution to this. like piano lessons, it takes some finger exercises and grueling etudes. and when it's go time, just do it. in time it'll get easier, so they say.

and so while i'm at times reluctantly hurdling through things i'd rather hide under the piano bench, it gives comfort to know that this is where god's put me and these experiences will only sharpen the abilities that he's growing in me.

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

here's to a new year, new experiences and new things to be thankful for.

1.1.11

2011-01-01T16:35:00.000-08:00

at a loss for wise words to begin the new year..

"hoorayyyyyyy!" -deborah

cslewis.

2010-12-30T18:54:00.000-08:00

Human beings can't make one another really happy for long.

ranch 99: a review ..sort of

2010-12-28T16:24:00.000-08:00

i just came back from ranch 99. rumors are true. it's pretty great. although.. walking in, i immediately sensed something was missing. at first i couldn't figure it out so i went through my mental checklist of chinese grocery store must-haves:

lots of asian people, check.
shopping cart jam around the hanging roast ducks, check.
token white person, check.
crates of durian by checkout lines, check.
old guys sitting on wooden stools drinking tea, check.
token black person, check.
loud cantonese woman, check.
the pungent smell of live sea creatures, ch... wait, that's it!!

although i'm not about to discredit this new place as an authentic asian grocery store by its lack of fishiness.. it's certainly a surprise to not be face-whipped by the smell.

what makes people love ranch 99 so much?

for some people, comfort foods are chicken noodle soup, casseroles, fried chicken, etc. para mi, it's fried gluten, fermented bean curds and bitter melon. YOMM. ranch 99 takes me way back. when i went today, i rolled through every aisle pulling down things my mom used to buy and cook for us.

* hee neen de: almond tea. forget hot cocoa! this was always a hUge treat that my mom would pull out during the winter.

* mee tee: fried gluten. i don't know how else to describe this other than.. wrinkly, soggy, oily, and spongy deliciousness. i never understood why they only come in half-size cans. our family would fight over this stuff on saturday mornings and it's always the first to go.

* dao lee: fermented bean curd. this tastes best smeared over everything. the closest thing i can think of that it looks like is plaque. yeah.. sounds hecka nasty. hahhaaa

* guay ya: pickled cucumbers. again, forget pickles! these are exponentially better.

* bah so: dried pork. i remember asian ladies selling buckets of these from the trunk of their cars after church when we lived in new york. this is pretty much a staple in our pantry at home. i eat them like chips.

* spicy preserved bamboo shoots: this is my version of kimchee.

* butter coconut cookies: every time my family'd brave the 5 hour drive into new york city to visit my grandparents, we'd have at least one pack of these cookies in the back of the caravan.

* sesame sachima cookies: i don't know why they're called cookies.. they're more like sticky blocks of yummy. one summer in new york, our house had an ant infestation where they took over anything sweet in our pantry. i remember finding these covered black with ants. no worries though, i still eat them = ]

* ba zaaang: i haven't tried these yet but i hope there's lots and lots of peanuts and squishy pieces of fat and maybe an egg yolk!

* cha sa bao: this just reminded me of the attacking cha sa bao from white elephant last christmas...

* koh guay: bitter melon. does anyone else lOve this stuff?? i felt very proud finding myself picking out bitter melons with old asian grandmas at the store :D

well, that's a rundown of some of my favorite things. taiwanese lesson included.

.merrychristmashappynewyear.

dilemma

2010-12-06T19:33:00.001-08:00

This morning i was presented with a very big dilemma. It was my day off meaning i'd have the entire day to focus and finish all my assignments as I wrap up the first quarter of my last year of grad school. So after taking a shower, feeding bob and charpie and unsuccessfully trying to manage my mess of hair, I sat down at my desk to map out my day.

If you haven't noticed, I am very easily distracted. Thus, I try to get out of the house whenever duty calls me to study. The problem is, the prospect of leaving home for an extended period of time brings up a host of moral and logistical crises. I'll list a few for you:

Starbucks: free wifi and gift cards adequate to feed me the whole day. Its vice is that it's not within walking distance (ok this might not be entirely true) and timed parking.

Coffeeworks: support local business at the expense of paying for my own coffee. Also, I feel bad for bringing in my own food and staying long past the cost of a small coffee.

Panera bread: way crowded during lunchtime on top of a limited number of outlets. Ive found that staring people down in hopes of grabbing the next available table with plug access is very distracting.

Sacramento library: I once paid 9 dollars for parking in the parking garage. I had no idea. I also will not be returning there for this very reason. Oh yes.. and because I'm actively evading having to pay for my library card fine. From 3 years ago.

After I'd packed my backpack and went to the bathroom one last time, I decided, after much contemplation, that I'd change back unto my flannel pajama pants, make my own coffee and stay home.

Have you ever encountered a situation where you had several options presented to you.. and after much thought and hair-pulling, you decide to fall back on comfort and familiarity - even if it means sacrificing the possibility of moving onwards in life? It's a tough call.

And knowing that it's my natural tendency to stay clear of risks doesn't help much.

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falalalalaaa

2010-12-03T16:52:00.001-08:00

Amidst finals, scheduling mess, deadlines and multiple laundry loads.. there's a growing smidgen of anticipation over something new.

Cue in the Christmas music cuz I feel like dancin' :D

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after a long day

2010-12-01T17:14:00.001-08:00

I wonder what a sugarplum fairy looks like..

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2010-11-24T17:11:00.001-08:00

It's complicated.

I'm not sure how, but maybe its time to keep a low profile for awhile.

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deer to my heart

2010-11-23T15:40:00.001-08:00

My first pair of flannel pajama pants ever! Kind of like my first pair of rainboots, its funny that in all my 25 years of life I've never had my own pair of flannel pajama pants. This makes me very happy, if you haven't noticed.

And because things like this generally elicit further deep thinkings on my part, here are some thoughts associated with the acquisition of my new sleep pants.

Some things in life are worth the wait. If you always get what you want when you want it, there's really no anticipation, surprise or heart-pounding excitement when it finds its way into your hands. Of course waiting isn't always very fun. Admittedly, on more than one occasion something has caught my eye and channeled its way into my heart causing me to desire that particular thing for myself. (Oops, that can be dangerous.) But because of boundaries and knowing what's [not] okay to pursue, I give up.. though still slightly let down.

But why wait? Why hold out for things that could so easily be reined into my possession.. regardless whether its good or bad? It's frustrating and tiresome and turns me into a can of cheesewhiz. But maybe, if I fully set myself to understand the scope of god's power, then I'd be less inclined to wait mopingly.

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say and complain, my way is hidden from the lord, my cause is disregarded by my god? Have you not heard? The lord is the everlasting god, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. But those who wait on the lord will gain new strength.

Of course, let's not forget to address the issue of passivity here. Waiting on god doesn't mean growing wrinkley and chunky.. haha this one I gotta work on. Proverbs 21 says the horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the lord. I guess that's pretty self explanatory. Be prepared, be expectant, know the limitations of your strength, and then give the rest up to god.

In the case with my flannel pajamas pants, I waited. And then, one day I saw them on mega sale because it was missing a matching shirt. So I bought it. Happiness ensued.

Perhaps this may apply to other life circumstances?

on a different note, i am so easily distracted!! how in the world will i ever finish my project.. >_< in the time i should have been working on it, i went to buy shampoo, faxed some stuff at kinko's, made myself another chai tea latte, wrote to the city of sac to contest yet another parking ticket (pictures included!), and wrote this blog post. now i want to wash my hair with my new shampoo and finish reading a really good book i started last week.

siiiigh. my excuse is having to work today. i'm off for the next 2 days so here's hoping productivity will reach an all time high.

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jiminy cricket, i've got work to do!

2010-11-19T11:36:00.001-08:00

I know I'm not being fair.
But I dunno what else to do.
These things that seem so simple always throw me out of the loop.

My brain needs to focus.

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leafy trolls and communication issues

2010-11-19T00:15:00.001-08:00

Very recently one of my neighbors upstairs put the care of her houseplant in my hands. She's supposed to be gone for a month and expects her plant to be alive when she returns. I didn't tell her my bunny sometimes goes without water for days at a time...

Anyways, my neighbor left her plant in the bathroom next to the door, which makes it pretty easy to remind myself its need for watering. The only problem is every time I head into the bathroom at night, the thing looks like a crouching troll in the dark. It's a funny feeling when I forget that its a plant and not some creepiness waiting for me to close the door.

Haha ..why am I telling you this? I guess there are things on my mind that I can't quite put into words just yet. It's funny because word on the street says women have the advantage when it comes to verbal skills. I'm very much the opposite. Oftentimes I kick myself thinking, "of all the things you could've said, that's what came out of your mouth?!"

I'm also told that women have this special power for being nurturing. That her words can bring healing and encouragement found nowhere else. Hmm mebbe I should work on this or something.

Alright. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of my thoughts.

Goodnight!

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in haiti right now

2010-11-17T14:43:00.001-08:00

Haiti president appeals for calm in cholera riots
Associated Press

Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2010

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- Haiti's president appealed for calm amid fears that riots aimed at U.N. peacekeepers over a cholera epidemic could spread to the capital Wednesday, saying the violence has hurt efforts to fight the disease.

In a national address after health officials announced that the death toll from cholera had risen above 1,000, President Rene Preval said barricades were keeping people from getting needed care and admonished protesters that looting would not help stem the epidemic.

The U.N. canceled flights carrying 3 metric tons of soap along with other medical supplies and personnel to Cap-Haitien because of violence in Haiti's north, the U.N. Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs said. Flights were also canceled to Port-de-Paix.

Oxfam suspended water chlorination projects and the World Health Organization halted training of medical staff, the U.N. humanitarian office added in its news release. A U.N. World Food Program warehouse was looted and burned.

The capital, Port-au-Prince, was calm Tuesday but there were worries that protests could erupt in the city, which was devastated by last January's earthquake.

The Haitian government sent top officials to the north Tuesday in hopes of quelling the unrest. Haiti's police chief, the health minister and other Cabinet officials headed to Cap-Haitien, the country's second largest city, where protesters erected barricades of flaming tires and other debris and clashed with U.N. troops.

At least two demonstrators had died, one of them shot by a member of the multinational peacekeeping force that has been trying to keep order since 2004.

During a second day of rioting, local reporters said a police station was burned in Cap-Haitien and rocks were thrown at peacekeeping bases.

U.N. peacekeepers found themselves in the difficult job of quelling unrest aimed at them. The violence has combined some Haitians' long-standing resentment of the 12,000-member U.N. military mission with the internationally shared suspicion that a U.N. base could have been a source of the infection.

U.N. officials deny responsibility. The mission charged Tuesday that the protests were politically motivated to affect or disrupt national elections scheduled for Nov. 28.

The cholera outbreak that began last month has brought increased misery to the entire country, still struggling with the aftermath of the earthquake. But anger has been particularly acute in the north, where the infection is newer, health care sparse and people have died at more than twice the rate of the central region where the epidemic was first noticed.

The health ministry said Tuesday that the official death toll hit 1,034 as of Sunday. Figures are released following two days of review.

Aid workers say the government's numbers may understate the epidemic. While the health ministry says more than 16,700 people have been hospitalized nationwide, Doctors Without Borders says its clinics alone have treated at least 16,500.

Health experts have called for an independent investigation into whether Nepalese peacekeepers introduced the South Asian strain of cholera to Haiti, where no case of cholera had ever been documented before late October.

Cholera is transmitted by feces and can be all but prevented if people have access to safe drinking water and regularly wash their hands.

But sanitary conditions don't exist in much of Haiti, and the disease has spread across the countryside and to nearly all the country's major population centers, including Port-au-Prince. There are concerns it could eventually sicken hundreds of thousands of people.

these kids of articles are so hard to read. ..praying for a country that is so radically different from this little bubble i live in.

i'd rather

2010-11-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

::mini scream::

i feel so behind in all my school work, project preparation, clinical observations, applications, everything.... biahhh unfortunately the relationship between me and my primary care physician boils down to me choosing a .nice. sounding doctor name online and having it printed on my insurance card. needless to say, i've never met her before. something tells me i don't think i'll find much luck asking her to write me a note for a few weeks of stress leave.

and then i find pictures like this one on etsy and i wonder why in the world i'm still in school and determined to go for even more. can't i just stay home and drink chai tea lattes and make unbelievably cool stuff?!?! (this thing sells for $49.. insane)

..not to mention how hard it is to stay away from my recently acquired november edition of martha stewart living.

siiiigh.. and now back to recognizing and treating delayed or failed lactogenesis II

Nooooo...

2010-11-11T16:09:00.001-08:00

Dearest expensive acne treatment cream,

I have a wedding to attend in less than 48 hours. I know its my own fault I ate more than a few doughnuts this past week and indulged my french fries craving earlier. But this little pimple of mine cannot shine. And hiding it under a bushel of bangs does not work.

And so I'm pleading with you. Please make it go away. And maybe I will be more conscious to steer clear of all the delicious fried foods this world has to offer.

Thank you in advance.

Yours truly,
Deborah

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that's the way the cookie crumbles

2010-11-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

whoaaaa double rainb.. fortune!!
what does it meeeeann??

following a long conversation that raised more questions than it did answering, i walked into my kitchen, found my leftover fortune cookie from saturday night's take out and thought.. hey, why not give the cookie a say. i kind of wish i didn't.

wait. back track. i'm not superstitious or kooky like that. and i don't intend to make god into some magic ball sage who speaks through small pieces of paper. i don't take decisions in my life lightly.. but then.. sometimes it helps to not take things so seriously. especially now. when it's taking everything and my warm blankets not to run outside and scream for 20 minutes.

okay. cookie. i found two fortunes in mine. translated, the first one says all things are difficult before they become easy. and the second, the flies don't enter a closed mouth.

i suppose just about anything can be applied to your current situation if you want it to, right? but i'm not gonna lie. these little printed maxims may hold some truth.

meh. somehow between graduating and moving out on my own, i've turned into a complete emo schmemo.

refocus

2010-11-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

The first words of Genesis 1 boldly claim that we are not lost and wandering in a cosmic circle of time and chance told by an idiot. There is a compelling story that emerges from the beginning, and we have a place within it. Similarly, the writer of Hebrews describes Jesus as the author and finisher of our faith, where ultimate significance is aptly defined as being written into the story of God. God's Word places us in the timeline of a coherent history, delivering us from deception, telling us who we are, and where we came from, what is wrong with us, how we are made whole, and where we are going. We are placed within a story of which we know and celebrate the outcome, even as we wait for it through time and trial. In Christ, history's outcome—its ultimate end—is revealed. Dark days may follow, but the ending is known. It is a story neither deficient nor untrustworthy.

C.S. Lewis fittingly describes heaven at the end of his Chronicles of Narnia as a place where good things continually increase and life is an everlasting story in which "every chapter is better than the one before." His compelling reflection has often reminded me of Christ's beloved disciple in the closing chapters of his testimony to the significance of Jesus Christ. Notes John, "If all of the acts of Christ were recorded, the world would not have enough room for all the books that would be written" (John 21:24-26). Like children, eyes widen at the thought. What a story to be a part of, a life to find touching our own. -Jill Carattini 10.26.10

I had always felt life first a story: and if there is a story there is a story-teller. -GKC

I would rather..

2010-10-28T21:58:00.001-07:00

even though I have assignments to turn in and a slew of other things to finish by the end of the quarter.. I'm compelled to do none of it. I'd rather drink green tea, listen to music and fold pretty squares of paper. all the while dreaming about what life would be like as Martha Stewart's intern.

also thinking about what my next blog post should be about. as of recent, I've been substituting semi-thought out pieces that reflect what I'm really thinking with interjections of random silliness. partly because some thoughts I feel might just be better living within the pages of my journal.. and partly because I don't feel like exerting brain power to put my thoughts into words. believe it or not, that is quite a task for me.

I've been having a dilemma over what to share over public access.. would this poor blog be the right platform to talk about things like how I really feel about life and friends and dating? what my biggest dreams in life are? ..and other such topics.. or should I just stick to describing the increasing bitterness of my green tea as I near the end of the cup. ..reminder not to leave the tea bag in there next time.

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i shouldnt've worn a sweater today

2010-10-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

15 minutes of break.. aka breathing in delicious car exhaust, baking in the sun (isn't it mid-october?!), and watching squirrels race around the parking lot. today's a good day :)

kiwi mango smoothie

2010-10-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

that is the most disgusting smoothie i've ever made.

but i drank it anyways because i didn't want to waste it.

ingredients:

2 fresh kiwis
3.6 oz mango sorbet
water

first, green and orange mixed together creates the color we commonly call "puce". otherwise known as barf. i drank it with a straw so i wouldn't have to look at it.

second, even though bath & body works might be able to pull off a kiwi mango lotion, taste is a whole different story.

so there you have it, the story of my smoothie. thank you for tuning in.

tralalalaaa

2010-10-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

omgomgomgomgomgomgomg

that is what i feel like right now. interestingly, that's kind of how i feel after class every week. there is so much to do. very exciting stuff. and stuff that i can't wait to start. but when i think about it, i feel like i'm gonna bust out of my pants. days go by way too fast around here.

this could also very well be directly related to the grande iced coffee i downed throughout the course of my class time. myy ffingerss arrre shaaakinnggg. next time i'll try to remember to ask for decaf.

pretty sky. sometimes it's good to remember why i choose to make my life so crazy...

Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
I will dance, I will sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud, life my voice and shout

From where I am
From where I've been
He's been there with me
He's built a monument
His very people
So let his people
Sing, sing, sing

sandwiches and stairs

2010-10-10T20:45:00.001-07:00

i just got chewed out by the hospital house supervisor. plllbbfffftttt what a way to end the last 20 minutes of an otherwise great day at work huh? siiigh. and get this!! the turbulent exchange was over a lack of sandwiches in the units overnight!!! mehh. i love my job and nothing makes me more happy than seeing patients eat well. but if you yell at me over sandwiches, i will be thinking in my head how awesome it would be to cure you into a processed piece of ham and vacuum-pak you between 2 slices of wonder bread. wait'll i tell my boss...

wow, someone needs anger management..

on a side note though, i did come to a personal discovery after all was said and done. ever take those personality tests or come across an interview question that asks whether you deal with stressful situations calmly? i used to always check yes by default. one, because that makes me look better (and my test results more satisfactory) and two, because i'm not commonly put in stressful situations enough to be able to judge my response thoroughly.

well, now i know.

i don't do well under stress. i'm not good at maintaining a cool, calm, collective composure. and i don't like to argue about sandwiches.

sumsing to work on i guess :/

tangentially, i also discovered that one particular stairwell in my hospital looks and smells like the stairway of my second preschool. for a couple months during my childhood my family moved to north carolina so my dad could be close to his sisters. while there, i was enrolled in a preschool where my class room was upstairs. every other day after the teacher made sure everyone had their own lunchbox (i was rocking a tin, blue carebear one with matching thermos) we'd climb the stairs up to a world where everything was new and exciting and completely in english. hahaa

now every time i take that particular stairwell up, the smell reminds me of drinking tropical island capri sun, learning how to balance a spoon on my nose, and stealing other people's tricycles because my dad accidentally ran over mine :D

it's funny to think back at 4 year old me. i had no idea what kind of person i would become 21 years later.. the things i'd laugh at, cry over, see... this could all get very psychoanalytical but i'm too tired to think so... i'm gonna go see if i can still balance a spoon on my nose...

i wanted to take a picture of the stairwell but my hospital doesn't really condone cellphone pics for hipaa reasons.. so here's a picture of my doorknob. i know. riveting.

not going anywhere

2010-10-06T18:17:00.001-07:00

today i did the unthinkable. i threw out all my boxes.

before i continue, let me give you little history behind my boxes. i believe in keeping all original packaging. i attribute this habit to my asian upbringing. keep everything in case you want to return the item.. 5 years later. more than boxes, this includes manuels, styrofoam moldings, bubble wrap, cd-roms from electronics i've since discarded, etc. my parents were always very good at taking care of their possessions. this topic brings to mind the day my brother got in trouble for cutting off a flap of my dad's dvd box. hahaa poor kid.

i do want to assert that this does not make me a pack rat. silly as it seems, i keep these things because they will come in handy someday. there is a logical reason why i keep everything. one of the biggest reasons considers my nomadic tendency. ever since the freshman year, i've occupied 6 different addresses. sometimes by choice and sometimes by necessity, i've constantly been on the move. and when it comes time to uproot again, boxes of every shape and size become very useful.

thus, over the last 3 years, i've kept all my boxes in mint condition. carefully breaking them down, folding them up, and strategically placing them all over my 265 sq. ft. studio. you'd never know it if you came to my place.

so why the toss fest? i dunno what got over me. but i feel like starting over.. thin out my belongings.. change the layout of my room..

the biggest sentiment i felt was the thought that maybe without all these boxes i'd saved for moving, perhaps it may be a sign that i'm not going anywhere anytime soon.. it scares me to think that this (sacramento) is my home. what if there are more opportunities for me elsewhere? what if i want to live closer to my sister? what if i don't get into the school of my choice? hay mas preguntas que me pueden comprender.. i'm not saying i want to move right now, but it's almost like the loss of my boxes takes away the potential of picking up again.

i realize this may all be a hyperanalysis of a very simple task. and i also realize i can always get boxes for moving at work.

trust in the lord with all your heart
lean not on your own understanding
in all your ways acknowledge him
and he will make your path straight

just for good measure, i did save a few choice boxes :D

~~~~~~~~~~

my dad rates baby chara:

Rating for baby Chara:

not cute
slightly cute
somewhat cute
cute
very cute
super cute
super duper cute
x super totally fantabulously cute and the cutest ever

are dads even allowed to use the word fantabulous?!? lol..

class is in session.

2010-10-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

my professor was talking about survey question formatting during class tonight when all of a sudden i pictured baby chara making her winky face whenever she's sprawled out on her changing table. omg so cute you don't even know. subsequently, for at least 3 minutes i had to try really hard to take deep deep breaths to suppress myself from laughing out loud. (and for at least 3 minutes i completely missed the section on how to code survey responses)

after i finally got my laughing muscles to calm down, it occurred to me that i'm not just laughing because chara is cute. i laugh because i love her and i love remembering how my sister takes care of her, and how much i love my sister.. and my brotherinlaw.. and on and on and on.. pretty soon, i was sitting back against my desk reveling beneath the fluorescent lights at all the things that cause my heart to love.

he will quiet you with his love. zephaniah 3

his is a love that saves and brings great joy and delight to those who receive it. and he never ceases to remind me of this through the things around me.

following this divine moment, i spent the rest of the night fixating on the obvious chalk dust mark left behind on my professors pregnant belly ;)

little town, it's a quiet village

2010-10-01T22:48:00.000-07:00

my favorite movie ^_^

i've probably watched hundreds of movies since i first saw beauty and the beast 19 years ago (whoa dang that's a long time ago..) but very few of them ever leave an impression much like this old classic. at 6, the wee little me used to (..and maybe still does) dream to be like belle. of course king lemuel and peter both give a couple good pointers on womanliness but i'd be willing to give this movie some credit too = ]

plain and unassuming, she loves her books, her dad, and a heart that desires to do more than what this .provincial life. expects. you see throughout the movie that it is her very nature to sacrifice, to love, be joyful, peaceful and patient, kind, good and faithful, and gentle. hmm.. that sounds oddly familiar.

then somewhere along the way, she ends up locked up with a beast who has a fistful of issues he needs to work out. she gives up quite a few times of course.. she's only human after all. but through the test of living with the big fluffy monster, her character that was already so warm, caring and compassionate, is made even more loving and beautiful. plus, she gets to marry a prince in the end.

oh man.. knowing that the woman i aspire to be is a fictitious cartoon character should be a warning sign that i need to hang out with real people more. seriously considering moving out and finding roommates...

Oh! Isn't this amazing? It's my favorite part because you'll see. Here's where she meets prince charming. But she won't discover that it's him till chapter three.

if i had a big tv and blu-ray i'd probably get the movie coming out this tuesday.. hehe