katy perry came through the speakers last night while we were transferring patients and keeping up with diet orders when my new coworker asked me what kind of music i listen to.
um. DUH. i could start listing my head off.
but in that moment, there was a battle going on en mi cabeza. should i tell her about my vast collection of hillsong cds in which i have each track memorized? how i love rocking out to david crowder band in my car (esp track 13 of church music)? how i used to choose 107.9 over klove, but now prefer scott and kelly in the morning any day? or do i try and stay mainstream and tell her about taylor swift and sara bareilles and country songs that make me cry?
what i came up with was this: "i listen to a bunch of different stuff."
we're (i'm) so fickle sometimes. i constantly wish that i can connect on a deeper level with my friends outside of acacia/church bubble. i talk about it, i pray about it.. all that kinda spiritual stuff that makes me feel like i'm actively trying to make a difference in the spheres around me apart from my own personal walk.
but i shy away from connecting conversation with my faith because i feel like it would then require an explanation. and with explanation comes fear that i won't say the right thing, or much worse, that i don't even know how to express this part of me that is so core to my existence.
last night i was reading:
the lord was with samuel as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground.
in retrospect, my reply is what fell to the ground. conversation ended there and we continued to file and answer patient phone calls. what would it be like to let god take hold of my conversations? if i truly let go of my own hesitations then maybe that's where he let's his words take flight.