Monday, December 31, 2012

Joys of living

These days I don't have much reason to go to costco other than to fill up my dino's belly. Since I don't eat much and can only afford novel electronic items once every fiscal year I generally just leave it to my brother to help rack up the cash back on our shared account.

However today I realized there's one particular item that can determine the sole reason why I would go to Costco.  Now that I pay a rent premium for my own bathroom, im also looking at having to purchase my own toilet paper - something I have not done for 5 years!  I'm currently going through the 4-pack I swiped from the big house before turning in my keys (I dare you to judge me), and I'm finding how spoiled I was to be treated to a never ending supply of the fluffiest version of Charmin.  Unfortunately this high end brand of toilet paper runs out really fast! All that fluffy means less squares per roll compared to your average joe roll.

What this means for me is a need to think creatively and efficiently about this toilet paper buying adventure that I am soon needing to embark on. Earlier this week I shared a TED video about efficient paper towel usage. By using only one sheet of paper towel, the presenter was able to thoroughly dry his hands aND save trees at the same time.

I do not believe the same can be done with toilet paper. I'm more likely to selfishly claim adequate amounts of paper per use than to be thinking about Saharan deforestation.. or where ever toilet paper pulp comes from.

Thus, my brilliant realization! Nothing will complete it's job more satisfactorily and efficiently than Kirkland Signature brand toilet paper from Costco! It's complete honesty that I'm so excited to go get my gigantic 10 pound pack of toilet paper!!!

Happy new year everyone! May this new year bring you as much joy as my imminent toilet paper purchase :)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Christmas present for myself

Over Christmas my brother came home with the brand new Samsung Galaxy III.. didn't take long for me to decide I wanted it too ;) My trusty incredible had lasted me over 2 years but recently its been having storage issues that prevent me from accessing any of my apps. Ever since Verizon rolled out their new shared plan, I've been weary of upgrading and losing my unlimited data plan. Interestingly, the guy at the store looked up my data usage and I only average 0.8G per month. That's a long shot from the 2gig limit I now have for the same price! Time to watch more movies on my phone!

Cool features on the phone include front facing camera, lightening fast shutter speed that can catch my bunny in action, and whistling cat call whenever I receive an email :D

Unfortunately my long awaited internet connection is not so satisfactory.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Rules for dating

I debated for a long time whether I would share my wisdomous insight (HA) on this particular subject for a couple reasons. Mainly, I'm not exactly qualified to give advice seeing as no relationship I've ever been in has ever progressed to a permanent situation. Also, I'm weary that these things can be very abstract and dependent on specific circumstances/individuals to warrant a broad sweeping analysis. And finally, too close to home.. I finally decided that while I have no qualifying experience and my track record stands at 0 wins, by the grace of god I'm doing okay so maybe I.could.share a few reasons why.

1. Cover yourself completely in bubblewrap on your dates. You think I'm joking?? Hmm.. then you're right ;) What I mean is, hands (and everything else) off. Maybe I'm maniacally puritanistic but I believe physical relationships are so much easier to progress in compared to everything else - and if there is an imbalance in building the spiritual, emotional and physical deals, it's possible to have a false sense of intimacy that will inevitably lead to sad stuffs. If things don't pan out between the two, there's less debris to clean up, less baggage to bring into another friendlationship, and little regret.

2. Guys - don't tell the girl she's the one you want to marry soon after she accepts your interest in going out. This is just asking for super freak out and you're going to scare her away! By all means, think about and pray and stuff because its important that at least one of the two is thinking intentionally and all that. (In fact, its admirable that you do!) Just don't say it out loud just yet. Especially after date 2. Doing so could potentially up the pressure ante for the lady to respond. And if there's anything guys can learn about girls, it's that we're terribly inept at arriving at that place of surety so soon.

3. Now that I've shared how nOT to display your ardent intentions, I'll go ahead and confuse you some more by asking you to be completely focus-minded and precise about the reality of the relationship. It's my belief that if you feel, at 6 months into the relationship, that things are kind of funky, chances are things aRe funky. Take a good look at what's going down, get some trustworthy,  unbiased counsel and be prepared to move forward - whatever that might look like.

Disclaimer: Im a self-proclaimed non-commital. And I might run away from things at the slightest hint of uncertainty. That's not good.. But in my defense, I really do think that when gut instincts are coupled with solid counsel and the divine kind of conversations, its okay..

4. Trust god (yadayadayada) not just in your life but in [his] life as well. This dating sort of thing is not easy and oftentimes I complain that getting treated out for dinners and schmoozy outings just isn't worth all the fuss! So when friends tell me just trust god, I roll my cynical eyes and dismiss the prospect of ever meeting Mr. Hotstuff.

But life itself has given me more than enough reason to believe that God intends everything for good, for learning, for growing, for his greatest purpose. The challenging part is believing his same love and mercy for the other person. That if things don't work out - even when I've completely botched the process, it is for God to redeem, not me. To know this is so freeing and so easy to let go of hurt, anger, disappointment, failure, doubt, etc.

At the end of the day, we're all really messed up people despite the best of intentions and more often than not, I speak more for myself here, we're going to make a hot mess out of the whole thing. It seems like everything I desire to honor and glorify god in all I do is super tested when it comes to dating - but the story is that he is still sovereign and faithful.. and gigantically forgiving. If nothing else is worth it, experiencing all of who god is through the process is worth a shot.

So happy dating!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

To pray like zechariah prayed

Him and Elizabeth were old - well beyond their once young and spritely selves. But then when the angel of god appears to him, he says "your prayer has been heard". So weird! Why in the world would zechariah be praying for a kid??  Being old, possibly knowing his physical and emotional limitations to raising a child, having a kid is cray-cray. Although being barren in those days was tough, he'd probably accepted it and learned to manage without diapers and teenage rebellion. Life as he knew it would continue with just the two.

And yet it seems like his desire for a child was something he secretly and continually prayed for.

I could learn something here.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

fiiiiive golden riiiiiingsss

every once in awhile my hospital hosts benefit sales to help fund service projects in the community.

jeweler:  who are you buying a ring for?
me: me.
jeweler:  really?? you must have someone who buys you jewelry.
me:  nope.  that's why i'm here.
jeweler: aw, that's unfortunate.

well, that certainly boosted my self-esteem to nosebleed heights.  but more importantly, i came away with pretty cute bling for cheap :D

Thursday, November 8, 2012

spring comes early this year

around 8pm every evening, father healy's calm and soothing voice flows though the PA system, tinged with the salty ocean air of ireland and filled with words of blessing and hope.  yes, he's the man you want to deliver your eulogy.  anyways, his evening prayer tonight hit a soft spot in my heart.  probably the right ventricle to be specific ;)

like the weather today, sometimes we need to endure the harsh winters in order to enjoy the blessings of a beautiful spring that our lord brings us in his time.

is there an amen out there!

i love my job and the people i work with.  i love that all my meals are programmed into a [subpar] computer program that is interfaced with all the patient information in the hospital making menu planning incredibly easy.  i love that i can chat on the phone with patients and not have to endure the smell of yeast infections and portable commodes.  i love that i can squeeze in exercise time by running around the kitchen in my wonderfully unfashionable orthopedic non-slip shoes.  i love that my boss is hilariously into herself that i can get away with comments and jokes that would otherwise condemn me to unemployment checks.  i love free food.  i love snarky impatient nurses because i find them so easily soothed by free soda.  it's a zoo at the hospital and i love it.

all except for my work schedule.

sure there are benefits to going in at noon such as setting my alarm clock for 11am.  i can dawdle and nap and eat and nap again all before clocking in at work.  grocery store, gas station and mall lines are significantly shorter at 10 in the morning.  and of course, i get to host breakfast play dates with other night owls.

but sometimes things gets a little sad and i put on my crabby pants to facilitate in self-pitying mopefests.  coming home late means i don't get to see people.  birthday dinner?  movie night?  small group?  fellowship?  nunca.  many nights i've walked home to my big giant house feeling defeated and forgotten - wondering if anyone would notice if i ceased to exist.  darn you spiraling hormonal thoughts!!!

for two years i worked without benefits or vacation days.  for two more years i worked with shifting, schizophrenic schedules.  and for one year i felt like i lived in a cave.  of course it wasn't all bad.  for sure there's been compounding blessings and good times throughout.  and despite minor and infrequent punches-in-the-stomach, god is good and life is good.  but there have been times when i've found myself wedged in the corner of despair, wondering what good could possibly come out of this kind of schedule when my greatest struggle is loneliness and being forgotten.  ummm god? what were you thinking?!

and so here i am, 5 years and many faith lessons later, i'm gonna start working mornings from now on.  i'm sure a week into it i'll probably come back and post something about the hideousness of waking up at 4 in the morning.  but until then, here's to mid afternoon naps, rush hour traffic and oh i don't know, some smidgen of a social life for this little homebody ;)  i'm so excited!

Friday, October 19, 2012

i confess it made me uneasy - makes me uneasy still - to think that this little book was out of my possession even for two days.  the thought of another person reading my words is most discomforting.  i cannot help but think how another person would interpret certain things i have written, for when i write for myself only, and know perfectly well the truth of what i write, i am perhaps less careful of my expression, and writing at speed, may sometimes express myself in a way that could be misinterpreted by another who would not have my insight into what i really mean.  thinking over some of the things i have written, i can see that they might appear to a stranger in a light rather different from what i intended, and i wonder whether i should tear these pages and destroy them.  only i do not want to, for these are the pages that i most want to keep, to read later, when i am old and gone from here, and think back to the happiness of [life].
~the thirteenth tale, diane setterfield

it's a strange and eerily comforting moment all twisted together when i read something that so mirrors what i feel sometimes.  did she just telepathize herself into my brain noodles??  weird.

Monday, October 15, 2012

no guts, no glory: i will follow you

i'm watching you.

a serious topic and a serious-er topic:

you know how sometimes the grasses and hedges get so far out of control that you need to send in the professionals along with reinforcement to do the work?  so i went to get my eyebrows done again today.

the lady was so sweet - letting me in as she was pulling the metal gate over the glass doors to close for the day.  i think she took pity on me seeing the condition of my face..  fail moment of the day: as she set about working, she peers at my face and says mmmyeahh i'm gonna have to do your forehead too.  guess that's a mild side effect of having mountain people blood in me =/

i've been going through a bible study series with some ladies at church and it's so good.  i'm kinda all over the place with thoughts all jumbled up, but i thought i'd share a couple from this week that goes along with my no guts, no glory deal.

the last few months in sunday school, we'd been watching videos that go through the journey of finding god in the desert.  it could just be production tactics - timely pauses and dramatic orchestration, ray vanderlaan's voice of depth and intensity, but every time i watch it, a boulder weighs heavily on my lungs so hard that held-back tears roll down my nasolacrimal ducts turning me into a mess of snot.

because the truth is, oftentimes i feel like i'm stuck in the biggest desert of my life right now.  how come none of my dreams are coming true?!?  but i'm reminded through the OT that just as he led the israelites through the desert, he leads, protects and provides for me too.  and like the sudden floods that unexpectedly overtake our paths, he responds to my calls when i turn into mopeballz.  and though it seems like barren land sometimes, i am well fed as i follow his voice.  now back to my lady study.  one particular verse made all that clear:
i remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert, through a land not sown.  jeremiah 2:2
what is a person in love willing to do? ANYTHING!  wholly devoted and eager to follow into the unknown.  no money? no problem!  no job?  no problem!  no home?  no problemO!!  as long as i got you!  i dunno that i've known .love. but i may just as easily give up any sign of reluctance in the name of like.  

so then if i am christ's bride and i love him, how much more willing should i be to follow wherever he leads - no matter how unsown the territory.  in love i enter knowing he is the ancient of days, the same truths he promised to the israelites will stand for me today too.  nice!
i will make rivers flow into barren heights and springs within the valleys.  i will turn the desert into pools of water and parched grounds into springs.  isaiah 41:18
and hey, who knows.  maybe practicing following god into wilderness will help overcome my fear of following earthly men.  but alas, another story for another day ;)

Friday, October 12, 2012

5 good things

permission granted for you to give me a charlie horse when i'm being a baby and complaining my face off.  so now that i have more than abundantly ranted you all into oblivion, i think i will take a few moments to reflect on the nicer things in life.  people are always grumbling that roses have thorns.  i'm just glad thorns have roses.  philosophical quotations that precede a novel or chapter are really cool.  they're even cooler when i actually understand what they're trying to get at ;)

1.  a dear friend whom i met when i first moved into this big house just told me about her engagement!  when her first engagement many years ago ended fatally, she didn't think she'd be going through this again.  there is hope after all!!

2.  one week, one bag of Thick & Crispy tortilla chips and i've finally reached the bottom of the bag where all the shards of broken chips and excess salt lie.  this is what i originally opened up the bag for.. it's SO good.  even if i can feel my lips shriveling up from all the salt.

3.  my old coworker just sent me an invitation to her baby shower.. this makes me unbelievably happy because her and her husband decided to adopt after many years of trying to have their own.  doesn't that make you wanna melt?  i melt.

4.  every week i get to meet with a bible study group that mainly consists of moms.  i'm learning so much through the study it's so great.  but mostly, i just want to be best friends with all these moms.

5.  i love where i'm living and i love that i can still have my lady friends over in the morning when all the pokemon have left the house.  living here is a blessing for as long as it lasts =]

**i thought of another one!!  i always feel really happy when i find homes for these stuffed friends i call my babies.  ^___^  one is on it's way out and the second is waiting to meet her new human friend in a few weeks :D

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

the saga continues: introducing victreebel

a new one moved into my house not too long ago.  i call her victreebel.  victreebel brushes her teeth in the shower and leaves toothpaste wherever there is level surface area.. towel rack, faucet, mirror, etc.  i'm not really sure logistically though, how some of the blue goo got onto the toilet seat so i'll just leave it at that.  she must take care of all her oral health business at once cuz i've noticed her used up floss swimming inside the toilet.  maybe someone can confirm this for me: is floss flushable?  victreebel also likes to leave hair on the shower wall.  i dunno.. some people prolly just like to leave their DNA out for shares.  these i can handle.  but today, victreebel smeared some boogers on the shower wall next to her strands of DNA.  i'm a little grossed out.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

no guts, no glory: the issue of trust

when snorlax confronted me about my conditions for staying in this house, i mentally punched her in the face. repeatedly.  partially because i was mad at her but admittedly, also because i was just mad and frustrated with life and god and this creaky old house and that anger needed to be directed somewhere.  i spent the next week fuming over the injustice of it all and struggling with the discouragement of finding any other suitable place to live.  

all this time, i was thinking how lame to be a christian right about now because all i want to do is fall in a puddle of despair but i can't because i know that god is my redeemer and he will direct my course from here on out.  why is it such a battle to get myself to truly come to peace with a fact that i believe with all my heart?!  i do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!!  mark 9  the problem is i can believe in christ, accept the truth that he is the son of god and receive eternal salvation - but fail to stand firm and maintain the belief and choose to find him trustworthy day to day.  that day to day part is the retarded part that seemingly never gets easier.  will i ever have a place to live?  will i ever find a *friend*?  will i ever have a schedule that doesn't force me to be a hermit?  will i never have to deal with car problems again?  will i ever get to have a real kitchen?  will i always have to be so seemingly isolated from everything?  blahblahblahhh  stuff like that.

there's a significant part of me that sincerely thinks all my troubles in the world would be solved if i were otherwise attached.  but as that isn't the case, i needed to look at my other options.  i considered moving to an apartment only to find that pet deposit for a bunny costs more than my liver and kidneys combined.  i searched different pockets of sacramento for housing but found that sac gets really ghetto really fast.  i looked into room shares and finding a housemate but realized i'm not the kind of quiet tenant people want.  with my parent's blessing i looked into buying but found that my price range limits me to areas that require HOA and flood insurance.  most rental or mortgage leads only resulted in sad faces and calculations that would leave me eating instant noodle more often than even i care to stand.

reluctantly, i'm thinking maybe it's better to stay put.  so far i've been timing my last bathroom trip to 10:55pm on the nose.  i brush my teeth and make my way across the creaky floor and into bed before midnight.  i cringe every time i'm obligated to step on the especially squeeky floorboard directly before my bed, trying my best to compensate the weight of my body with acrobatic moves to reduce the noise.  weird, but sure is better than not knowing where i'm gonna live for the next several months, years, lightyears.

i still believe the story of my life is in god's possession but trusting him day to day, moment by moment as dear ray vanderlaan would say, is much harder.  but you trust the shepherd for just enough and you trust that he is indeed, trustworthy.  
god is not a man, that he should change his mind.  does he speak and then not act?  does he promise and not fulfill?  numbers 23
maybe it sounds like i'm not able to live freely in my own home.  that's a pretty true and honest assumption.. but for now that's how it is and it'll be okay.  i'm thankful that living freely in christ, while harder to grasp and come to terms with, is more satisfying and more.. freeing than anything else in my life right now.  it's not to say i'm giving up because i'm still on the prowl for my perfect home.  but until then, i'll follow weirdo rules and be content with many blessings beyond snorlax's control.  and check this out, i no longer feel like punching snorlax when i see her :)

Monday, October 1, 2012

party pooper

one of the dietitians i work with is a sweet 3rd generation chinese lady who frequently likes to chat with me about my (non-existent) asian-ness.  after 5 years of gauging my interest, she's finally found that i know absolutely nothing about chinese traditions.  shame shame.  but she knows i like to read so she bought me a book called good luck life, hoping i'd become more familiar with the practices of my kind.  super sweet!

this afternoon, having the day off and transportationally immobile cuz of my dino's broken left arm, i picked up the book and delve into my heritage.  you ask, what have i learned?  major crapballs of weirdo, that's what.  hahaaa  i sure hope none of you are into this stuff cuz you'll find much of my comments very offensive.

being into pregnant moms and babies and all, i'll share about this portion of the book.

don't eat bananas or your baby will have big ears.  ear size is genetic and if they're unusually large of misshapen  he's got a genetic disorder.
don't eat pineapples or your baby will have rough skin.   again, genetics are in play here.
don't eat ginger or your baby will have extra fingers.  you should be more concerned whether you married your cousin.
don't visit the zoo or your baby will look like a monkey.  if so, your husband prolly looks like a monkey too..
don't sew anything while pregnant or your baby will have a harelip.  aka cleft palate.  lay off the booze and take your prenatal vitamins.

these are just a few of the don'ts she instructs.. 

following childbirth, moms and babies are instructed to stay home for 30 days - without leaving the house, taking a shower, washing her hair, eating fresh fruit, or drinking cold beverages.  this is done to restore the yin and yang balance in your body to gain your full energy and strength after birth.  mebbe i'm just too much of an independent modern woman with my own opinions but i'm gonna liken this to torture.  can you imagine squeezing out blood and guts through your private parts and not be able to clean yourself for a month?!?  common sense says when i don't shower, i feel gross and lose my appetite.  especially after delivery, comprehensive nutrition is so crucial in building your body stores and supplying your nutrient needs to feed your baby.  that includes a variety of foods, fresh fruit included.  also, studies show that postpartum weightloss is most effective within the first 3 months of delivery.  your hormones are all working together to help you accomplish this - so sitting at home for a month really does nothing for you.  plus, i'm pretty sure having a stinky head does not do much in rekindling the romance with your husband..

i never really understood the purpose of the red egg/ginger party for the baby's one month anniversary other than that it's another chinese tradition to gaudily splash red stuff everywhere.  here's the real story.  way back then, infant mortality was common before a child reaches one month of age.  in order to avoid going through this heartbreak, families were cautious about announcing the baby's birth to the public until they'd passed this milestone.  traditionally, baby's were given a "fake" name during this time so that evil baby eating gods would be tricked from taking their baby.  at one month, babies are given their first bath, first hair cut, and first new outfit (gross cuz babies typically barf on themselves every once in awhile).  then, traditions say the grandma will take a peeled red egg and rub it all over the nekkid baby long life and good luck.  the mom is supposed to eat ginger and blow ginger breath on her baby's head so it'll be nice and buddha-round.

couple things.  the most common cause of infant mortality in the first month of life is genetic disorder or diarrheal disease.  the first cause, though rare, is usually discovered before delivery.  the second, is easily treated with a little sugar and salt water - or if you wanna be advanced and stuff, you can use pedialyte.  i'd be stupid to say people shouldn't be aware of risks, but generally if you're watchful and careful you should be okay.  as for the round head deal, i remember when chara was first born, she had a really cute cone head.  the plates in an infant's head are not completely fused at birth because God decided this would make the birthing process more feasible.  eventually, the plates will come together the way they're supposed to regardless of how you try to manipulate it.  you should also know that that flat spot on the back of your head is not because your mom was smart and made sure you slept on your back to avoid SIDS.  there's a scientific reason for it but i can't remember.. will get back to you on this =]

i guess the moral of the story is, i'm proud of my ethnicity and all that kind of stuff.  but some traditions are so rooted in superstition and old practices that are no longer relevant to the world we live in now.  keeping the tradition may be important to some people but i feel like if they stem from a belief that contradicts what i believe about god's sovereignty and creation of things, i'd be okay leaving tradition behind.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

maybe it's me..

mmm.. slow day at work.  so i made myself a bunny friend!!

i'm pretty sure most people who know me and read this blog know how much i love bunnies.  and the thought has occurred that maybe i love bunnies too much.  i dunno.. could it be an impediment to my relational status?  i mean, look at this girl!  my sad epiphany revealed just how similar i am to eharmony cat lady =/

or i could go to a bunny mixer where i might find people just like me.. :D  hehehee

Monday, September 24, 2012

criteria update

is it really true that a guys level of attractability can increase or decrease based on the car they drive?  i dunno.. i used to be skeptical..

after my long biking trip yesterday, i jumped into my car and sped down to marshalls before they closed to find a baby shower gift and bike shorts (more on that later).  as many of my shopping experiences go, i found neither of those items and came out instead with another dress.  another dress that, like my collection of shoes, will likely never see the light of day.  ah welllll.

as i walked back to my car, i saw someone remote-unlock a FIAT right in front of me.  for some odd reason, the person beeped the car more times than necessary to unlock it, which i found weird.  but needless to say, the blinking headlights looked like they were winking at me!  cuuuuute.  [btw, use of this word shall not be limited to the female race and shall not demand reprimand if used by the opposite gender]  i turned around to see who the lucky owner was and behold, nice looking guy :D  without skipping a beat, i projected my voice in his direction and asked him how he liked driving his car.  >____<  ahhh slap face/face palm  i've turned into one of those girls who are easily tricked by guys in cute cars!!!!!

good thing the cute-spawned adrenaline was still running through my veins and i stayed long enough to hear him say it was just a rental and it was a fun car to drive - then i remorsefully ran to my silver dino after realizing what i did.  so i confess.. it's true.  drive a cool car and i might, in a moment of brainwash, ask you for your number =/

but just to be certain, know that not all girls dig leetle european cutemobiles.  one of my grad school classmates was into gigantic pickups.  the bigger the better.  so she married a cowboy and moved to texas  ;)

now about biking.  couple things i realized:

  • i cannot control the massive amount of snot buildup in my nose.  what is the best way to remedy this other than stuffing toilet paper?
  • if there is a snake stretched across the path and i can't cross into on-coming traffic, there's gonna be a lot of blood and guts
  • mebbe this is just in my head, but i feel like there's a hierarchy of bike-coolness on the paths.  i don't think i made it onto the list.  which means, i want a road bike and spandex.  no.. yeah no, scratch the spandex
  • bikers in general are very friendly - even the highest ranking cool bikers
  • thank you parks & recreation department!!  plus, i love the show
  • my cotton shorts, which make for awesome sleep shorts, don't do so well on the road for extended periods of time and sweat
  • bringing water is important.  i should know this..
  • taking breaks will cause my leg muscles to die.  next time, i will refrain from stopping

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Just so we're clear

my deviousness is gonna get me kicked out but can you blame me pulling such an irresistibly passive aggressive love note?!  how i wish snorlax can sleep undisturbed through the night..

i'm a brat and i know it.  i'm officially househunting.  life starts now!!!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

the worst kind of heartache.

there's a sad, remorsefully aching feeling that makes its way into my heart that feels something like crushing a snail underfoot whenever i finish a book.  having spent hours growing a friendship with the endearing characters and spiting the antagonists as best as i can, i feel abandoned when the connection between us is severed by the hard back cover - offering no chance for them to cross over into reality and i don't know.. have tea with me. 

i'm just going to spend a few hours grieving and then maybe reread the book over again.

I suppose I do have a suitor, but I'm not really used to him yet.  He's terribly charming and he plies me with delicious meals, but I sometimes think I prefer suitors in books rather than right in front of me.  How awful, backward, cowardly, and mentally warped that will be if it turns out to be true.

-The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

maybe this is all in the name of character development since i was just writing about dealing with aloneness.  beh  to heck with that.  i'm gonna proceed with my ceremonial moping.  and to heck with the author for bequeathing so stingily before she passed away while writing her debut novel.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

no guts, no glory: all by myselffff

if for some cataclysmic incident my house caved into itself and the door to my room was blocked shut for a year before i could be rescued, i think i'd be okay.  food wise, i have a large variety of instant noodle to keep me interested for a long time and my costco case of blood orange san pelligrino has yet to be opened.  and i have enough things in my room to keep me merrily occupied for days on end.  needless to say, solitary confinement comes easily, if not welcomed, for me   ..sometimes

of course depending on where you lie on the introvert/extrovert scale, alone time might be more terrifying for some people than getting eaten by a shark.  but here's what i've come to learn about this uniquely magical time that singleness has to offer.  that hint of sarcasm should not go unnoticed.  nevertheless, this alone time is a chance to find my identity - in myself and in christ.

in the counseling world, there's an important philosophy to healthy relationships that says each person should enter a union as a whole person rather than a half person looking to fill in the gaps through someone else.

in doing so, neither one can fulfill each others needs because they themselves are incomplete to begin with.  i'm not talking about being perfect cuz none of us are; that's just the way the cookie crumbles.  i'm thinking more along the lines of having a full grasp on your identity as a person - being confident in who you are, accepting your complete value in christ and being your own person.  the tragedy comes when you look to another person to tell you who you are or to chameleonize yourself to match who you think the other person wants you to be.  (and when i say you i really mean me because i've been completely guilty of this myself)  result: great sadness.  my hypothesis is that humans naturally crave identity - to know and be known.  and it's a weirdly warped expectation to superimpose the pressure of obtaining this identity through someone or something else.  i suck at math but i do know that 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4.

so what to do?!  i think this is where time alone comes really handy especially when i have all the time in the world.
  • i wake up in the morning and it's just me --> let's figure out what kinda music i dance best to
  • i'm home from work. again, it's just me --> explore different hobbies or cultivate ones i already have
  • weekend rolls around and the prospect of a free dinner is looking slim --> kidnap a lady friend, yelp something new and split dinner tab 50/50
  • vacation hours are piling up and i'm feeling cabin fever --> nowhere in the fineprint of groupon's romantic vacation deals for two say it needs to be fulfilled by 2 loveydoveys.

see where i'm going with this?  obviously i still need to take a dose of my own medicine but it makes sense that instead of wasting time at home moping about the emptiness of my other half, time could be better spent filling that half with ME stuff!  find out what i like and don't like, trailblaze hobbies of my own that are uniquely me, and create experiences for myself that add to the mosaic of who i am.  then, god willing ;) if i ever meet some perfectly hunky dude, i can bring my whole self to match his whole self and live happily ever after.

ahemm moving forward..  last night at acacia we studied the life of elijah during his 3 years of exile where he had no life encounters except with a black bird twice a day and with the one and only holy god.  what did he learn from his time alone?  for once i enjoyed group discussion (jk :D ) and this is what we came up with: elijah grew in his faith and trust in god's promises through his experiences and in his persistence in proclaiming the power of god even when circumstances argued otherwise.  i would then add that through this time, he grew a strong and rich identity in who christ called him to be so that when the day came to reveal God's glory in the test of gods, he had the boldness to deliver.
Then Elijah said to them, “I am the only one of the Lord’s prophets left, but Baal has four hundred and fifty prophets. Get two bulls for us. Let Baal’s prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by fire - he is God.” 1 kings 18
hollaaa  how cool is that??  i believe god desires to grow us in our identity in him - as the theme of a bible study i'm going through goes; to live a life free of anything that hinders us from the effective and abundant spirit-filled life god has planned for us.  okay, yada yada yada bible talk aside, what does that even look like?!  i don't know.  i think it's different for everyone.  but it's worth exploring on your own and cultivating it in your magical time.

tangentially, i think it's possible that people who aren't fully okay with being on their own or have a clear idea of who they are make them to be the needy sort.  eww shudder.

conclusive notes: don't be afraid of being alone.  live life richly, fully and wholly.

Monday, September 10, 2012

no guts, no glory: stomach grumble

let's say your pet monkey eats a banana laden with poisonous banana slugs and keels over dead.  instantly.  i assume your reaction would be great torrential waves of sadness and misery.  that would be expected.  of which i would allot you about 5 to 7 weeks of grieving time for your deceased.  and if you didn't deliver, i would seriously consider your mental status veering closer to the sociopath end of the spectrum.  or you're a cylon.

i've learned that in any season of life - particularly in a time of unattachment, you have to be real about your feelings, your desires.  just like if you didn't feel any sort of sadness over the death of a beloved pet, it'd be kinda weird not to experience the soup of feelings related to singleness from time to time.  so these feelings generally come from a desire to be otherwise attached.  and unless you're not of the human species, there must be a reason for this desire other than general lameballz-ness. 

to put it another way, it's kinda like when your definition of breakfast is an extra large tumbler of (drip) coffee with cream and sugar.  by noon time, you're sitting at your desk at work and the little man inside your stomach starts throwing a fit and making unpleasantly embarrassing gurgling sounds.  why?  cuz you're a fakie nutrition expert who failed to see the importance of maintaining your blood sugar levels thus causing a cascade of events leading to mad stomach.  happens for a reason.

here's what i have to say about all that.  i'm all about practical ways to combat this issue which is very very important.  but at the heart of the matter is well, where your hearts at.  so to all the single ladies (i hate this song esp @ weddings), be real with your desire and the suckiness of of not attaining it - cuz it's legitimate.  all of us have some sort of unfulfilled longing because life is just like that.  but let it point you to the ultimate fulfilment that is in meeting with christ sooommmeeedaaayyyy.  and most of the time i'm thinking hopefully sooner rather than later.  but wouldn't it be cool if part of this heavenward-seeking gave us a drive to share with other people what all the hype is about going to heaven?  so that when the day comes, i'm not on my own but standing in front of christ with friends and stuff.

so if singleness be the stomach grumbles that drives me to divine urgency, maybe that's okay =]

Sunday, September 9, 2012

adventures of living with an insomniac

i've alluded in a previous post of my run-ins with an insomniac housemate who i'll call snorlax for purposes of anonymity.  in all sincerity, such encounters with her have taught me several lessons on grace, patience, understanding and holding my pee.  all of which have been useful tools in shaping my character and i'm thankful for that.  my mom especially has been a cheerleader for me, rooting for my fight in not letting her get me down or wanting to retaliate.  (believe me, i had several really good ideas)

but at the end of the day, i love this house, i love the neighborhood, i love my room and my bunny loves slowly making my rug a disappearing act via digestion.  and if the cost of living here is to shower before 11pm to give snorlax a moment's rest, so be it.

however, tonight i realized i needed to draw the line.  you see, snorlax recently relocated into a bigger room that coincidentally shares a wall with the bathroom.  therefore, any sounds from the bathroom are reverberated into hers.  on top of her insomnia, she's a light sleeper - such an unfortunate double whammy.  you can imagine, for me going to the bathroom at night is like walking on eggshells, weary of each small sound i make.  anyways, at just about 10:35pm tonight, i realized i needed to make haste and take a shower before the tub turned into a pumplin or something so i gathered my towel, slipped on my sock monkey slippers and shuffled my way into the bathroom.

as soon as i got in, i heard someone quietly sneak into the bathroom next door.  O_o  aiyahhh it's snorlax!!  i too, very quietly tiptoe around my side of the bathroom hoping she won't guess my presence.  in my frozen state i realize she neither closed the door to do her thing, nor did she flush afterwards!!!  complete ninja style.  what. the. hey?!?

this has come too far.  if i'm expected to get in and out of the bathroom at night with as little noise as possible, even if that entails voluntary neglect of flushing, i draw the line.  what if i needed a late night colon cleansing session?  or god forbid, i accidentally drink bad milk with my cereal??!?  snorlax better figure out a way to get over her insomnia cuz i'm not generous enough to go and leave presents for my other housemates.


Friday, September 7, 2012

no guts, no glory: life starts now

let me be honest - being single is not easy.  bam.  said it.

but the more i think about it, the more i realize, it's my fault.  people tell me that being single should be the best time of my life.  my response to that is thanks but no thanks for your lame-O cop-out parasympathetic condolences.  you have no idea what you're talking about.  siigh  i have issues listening to other people =/ cuz i'm starting to realize that those people might be onto something.  i just have a hard time believing it and here's why..

for much of my adult life i've believed that real living doesn't start until you get married.  why should i travel the world now when i can better enjoy it someday with a husband?  why dress up and wear one of my stinking cool heels when i can bust them out when my tall husband takes me out on wedded dates?  even my dear parents, bless their hearts, have an espresso machine and set of stainless steel pots stored in the garage waiting for the day i say i do.  we all know i don't have any room for those sort of things right now but logic is ignored and the only message i hear loud and clear is that my life has yet to begin - so until then, i'm homebound, sipping on drip coffee and watching my shoes become so last year as the new wave of skanker heels make their way into stores.

but jesus says i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  (john 10)  he's talking about the little sheepies here.  without the shepherd, the sheepies would live in constant fear and limitation because of the real threat of being eaten.  life would be restricted to their small patch of safety - even if it means chomping on weeds and bugs for the rest of their life.  wanna try the exciting new blend of exotic grasses on the other side of the hill?  no way!  cuz the big bad wolf might be lurking around the corner ready to eat me.  enter god.  floating down on a cloud with a cool walking stick in hand, he says go eat yummy grass and i'll make sure the you don't turn into lambchops.

maybe living freely in christ doesn't exactly look like high heels in jamaica, but that could be a start.. the point is to get out of my bubble of individualistic self-pity and explore; whether that's in ministry, in spending time with friends (vacation buddy?!?) or finding myself a new home that justifies a new pots and pans set :D  and the truth is, this life of service that he calls us to means getting out there and doing something!  no more sad hermit days :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

no guts, no glory: intro

the other night while i was gchatting with a dear sister friend, the tagline no guts, no glory was born.  so good right?!  i instantly identified with it because in all my life, i've found that only when i let my guts hang out (whether in private or in the company of others) do i see the glory of god at work.  and it happens especially in the company of other people who patiently wait for me to pull out and untangle the entire length of my intestines that i'm able to let god speak to me through friends and family and suture the wound.

side note: if it's true for me, i'm certain it's true for other people too.  my hope is that as individuals in a community we can be more eager to excise the inflamed appendix when it's causing so much unnecessary pain within and let others/god heal.  the result is feeling better and having freedom in being productive again.

something i've been thinking about recently is that maybe there is a place for me in the church and in the community that speaks to the gospel in a way other people can't -- as a single lady.  there's the ol' saying god's put you there for a reason.  that reason can be just as much for my own personal growth as it is sharing the testimony of the cumulative coolness that is god.

so in the ensuing days, i'm gonna lay out some of my organs related to experiences, realizations and god-spoken truths as a lady flying solo.  this should be interesting..

Sunday, September 2, 2012


go on a tropical vacation
build my instrument collection??

i need one of those 1% guys in my life.

Friday, August 31, 2012

in a world without sin

have you ever thought about how different things would be in a world without sin?  it occured to me today that if it were the case, there would be absolutely NO NEED for passwords.  for anything.  cuz i wouldn't have to worry about something - human or robot, trying to hack into any of my various accounts online or at work. 

in a world of honesty and complete trust, there'd be no reason why someone would want my address and the series of numbers separated by dashes that apparently determine the livelihood of my retirement.  in a perfect world, i wouldn't have to constantly retrieve forgotten passwords/usernames/security questions/security answers/identifying image!! and i also wouldn't have to routinely come up with new passwords to replace old expired ones.  there's only so many pokemon names after all..

siiigh.  until then, maybe i'll start going through jesus' lineage of something..  like Zerubbabel,136  hahahaa

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

the makings of a lady

i rarely get myself groomed for several reasons.  first and foremost is my cheap-O-ness.  this drives me to shady asian salons that charge less than 20 bucks but always leaves me with a lopsided head.  second, i'm one of those girls who no matter how frilly, straggly, or uneven the hair, i refuse to get it cut.  not sure why.. that's just how it is.  plus my hair is more often than not in a messy bun piled on top of my head so the natural state of the hair doesn't really matter.

until today.  recently because of various wedding festivities, many of my lady friends have expressed concern over the decency of their eyebrows - making appointments to control the fuzziness in time for the big event.  while i don't often like to have half my face ripped off, i thought i'd take inventory of my own and see what's up.  disastrous.  lady advice #246: do not let your eyebrows and hairline connect.  so while i was out buying groceries, i yelped "eyebrows" in my vicinity and was directed to hair plaza across the street from where i was parked at savemart.  i just spent 2 million dollars on gas at costco so this worked out really well.

turns out this establishment is owned by several indian ladies who specialize in threading.  my only experience with threading has been my sister practicing on me after picking up a few tricks on youtube.  i can't say i was too excited but i have heard people say threading is better than waxing or plucking so here goes.

first thing i notice - the lady gets right to business.  no time wasted buttering me up about how i look like a supermodel or movie star.  thanks.  cuz i know you be lyin'.  if i really looked like a model i'd be getting my hair done by some flamey italian dude in hollywood.  so anyways i lie down, hold my skin tight and away she goes.  on the pain level scale of  :D  :]  :)  :|  :/  :(  :O  this rated :|  not bad!  and then before she finished, she spent about 4 minutes massaging the furrow out of my brow.. :D  NICE touch.  

following eyebrow management, i decided to try my luck with hair.  it's probably been a year since i got a hair cut so i figured now would be a good time to follow up.  unlike the asian fare i normally encounter, she didn't ask me about my current relational situation, douse my head with products i can't afford, or let me walk out with a style i could never recreate at home.  success!

being a lady is tough work!  ..but at least it's not as difficult as asking one out ;)  

Sunday, August 19, 2012

happy things

originally the garland was gonna read something like "praise the Lord, jess is getting married".  but it got vetoed one, for being too long and two, maybe sending the wrong message of jess' ability to finally find a husband (which is definitely not the case).  so here it is:  JESS .heart. JOE  and they're getting married in less than a week!!

this little lady was the first person i met in acacia four some years ago and she's been such a blessing in my life since.  she's one of the most spiritually mature people i know and so caring and encouraging to me when i feel like eeyore or crabby-patties - with many conversations shared over coffee or sitting in my car in her lab's parking lot.  and seeing so many guests at her bridal shower was testament of her gigantour heart for loving and serving people.  dis girlz awesome.

love you jess!

this on the other hand, not so happy stuffs.  i found this sitting on a table downstairs for all to see.. but mainly me.  hahaa  these days i've been coming home way past curfew that's been set one of my housemates who's the self-declared house manager.  doubling as an insomniac, she's kicked out a few residents already for disturbing her sleep.  blehh  i feel like i might be next.  

the anger, malice and rage version of me would like to tell her to start popping pills and then set a jar of captured daddy-long-legs into her room. but then that'd be turning righteous anger into sin and i should know better.  so.. here's the deal.  if i get kicked out, anyone want to take me in?  i promise i won't release spiders on you..

Saturday, August 18, 2012

My tree

It occured to me tonight that I'd name my fake bamboo tree Jasper. If you know me, I'm highly unlikely to name inanimate objects. It doesn't make sense to me. People can have names, flying squirrels can have names.. but certainly not things like.. say a sock. (Stuffed animals being the exception because they come alive in my dreams). So I dunno what came over me but this felt right.

I can't say where the name came from as the only Jasper I know comes from the movie The Holiday. And even then, he plays a jerk which is upsetting given how cool my tree is. The movies so-so too. I used to place it among my top 10 selections but mostly I just like it cuz of the bomb soundtrack.

I'm also not even entirely sure that its a guy tree so if anyone knows the secret to identifying tree gender please let me know. Hopefully it doesn't require searching under the roots cuz those are firmly planted into a solid mass of plastic made to look like dirt.

Anyways, I just thought I'd introduce you all to my tree. Jasper, blog friends. Blog friends, Jasper. Great, we're all good here. Moving on!

..and my parents wonder why I'm still flying solo. Little do they know I spend my nights socializing and staging photoshoots with an artificial tree.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

wikiwikiwikiwiki uhh. yeahh.

i had one of those epiphanous ah-haa moments today while driving.  i'm really excited to share it with you all.  as many of you don't know, i love to sing.  in the car, in the bathroom, in the office, when i think no ones around, etc.  the problem is, i have the vocal range of a muffin.  if i were a muffin, that'd be quite alright.  in fact, i'd probably be a muffin star.  but as a normal human being, it's kinda inconvenient.  those heart-turning songs have a way of stretching those high notes into infinity.  trust me, no one needs to hear what that sounds like coming out of me.

the troubling thing is, because of my limited vocal range i'll never be able to fulfill my dreams of being an overnight sensation.  the day's of will never see the limelight of day and that realization made me really sad for about 2 minutes.  enter epiphany.  have you ever hear pitbull sing?!  how about B.o.B.??  or tedashii of the christian variety?!

nope!  they don't need to and for all i know, they probably have the vocal range of a muffin as well!  but they rap like no momma's binness - and that's where i think come in.  just gotta get the rhymes to come out nice and smooth and fast without choking on my own saliva.  this could work :D  i have high hopes.

Friday, August 10, 2012

orthopedic device or the next fad fashion statement

a month ago i went trampolining at sky high with a bunch of acacia people for anna's last hurrah in davis.  you know, they really aren't joking when they post signs in strategic locations all around the building in full view warning patrons not to try any tricks beyond their skill level.  of course, i'd go and try to do a flip like every other 11 year old present that evening =/

short story short, i torpedo-crashed on my neck/back and it hasn't been the same since.  people in my office who know about sports related injuries told me to wait 2 weeks and see if anythings changed.  i waited.  no change.  at one point i went and got my very first massage evuhh with my little brother but that proved completely futile as every part of my back is ticklish and i couldn't stand the lady all over me.  side note: omg the topic of massages truly deserves a blog post all to itself if i ever get around to it =/  my skull however, very much enjoys a head rub so that was cool.  since i'm scared of chiropractors, i've just endured the spazzoid discomfort, hoping that at some point an evasive little bubble in my back might just fizzle out kinda like the way knuckles pop.

a few days ago, i had the brilliant idea of getting myself a back brace to see if that'd fix anything.  ..actually the brilliant idea can in tow while i shortcut through the geriatric/orthopedic aisle at walmart.  go figure =/  anyways, i scanned the barcode, thanked amazon for a better price and here i am, back braced.  i thought i'd share my thoughts on this important milestone because this is what i do.

- wearing a back brace means i get fuller faster.  consequently, it also means i get hungry a lot.  it follows a bit of a vicious cycle.  i eat, i get full.  30 minutes later, i'm starving and eat but still can't manage to squeeze any more food into my stomach as it's backed up from the jejunum up.  compression has been great on my back but not so much the digestive tract.

- i had reconsidered getting a new bed (which i really should have done 5 years ago but whatevs)  every morning i wake up sore and unable to do 90° twists from side to side without making an awfully unattractive grimacing face.  good thing bunny doesn't judge and loves me all the same.  i was a little apprehensive about the quality of my sleeps wearing the back brace overnight, but i've since had no problems.

- under my work clothes, i feel like a big hefty home depot hunk ready to lift lumber and granite slabs and maneuver 20 ton palettes of steel beams on a forklift.  it's very empowering.

- sometimes when i'm walking around with my back all stiff and held in place i feel a sudden urge to do the robot dance.  especially when songs like super bass come on.  slight inconvenience when i'm trying to play it cool at work.  but again, whatevs. boom badoom boom boom badoom boom boom supah basss

- so this is what i feels like to wear a corset.  not bad.  if only it looked like a really awesome ball gown a la taylor swift's love story instead of black velcro, that'd seal the deal for me.  i can see why these were all the rage back in mozart time.  corsets have a way of, how should i put it, accentuating the loveliness that is exclusive to the ladies ;)

- the back support is formed by steel springs that conform to the curvature of my lower back.  aka bullet proof vest.  you just try and punch me in the back and we'll see who comes out victorious.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Staying put

Everyonce in awhile I get the urge to move.  Whether its because I want more space, a garage to house the dino, change of scenary or never having lived in the same place for more than 5 years at a time.. I always get a little restless and start refreshing Craigslist every couple minutes hoping for a listing that meets all my criteria for the perfect home.  Surprisingly, for Davis folks who read this, that trailer park on Olive behind Amtrak has surprisingly nice little homes!

This is also when i start thinking about the (+) and (-) of moving.  I've learned that in making lists, it's not about the ratio of pros to cons that determine the decision.  The numerical sum of rational justifications is generally outweighed by the importance of each individual item is.  That said, list making is not easy!  I sometimes wish magic 8-balls and origami fortune tellers never went out of style in middle school.  Could come in handy for a variety of situations if you know what i mean.

Ultimate decision: I think i'm gonna stay put for now.  Again.  Poor bunny's gonna keep getting chunkier for lack of room to run  =/  and maybe someday I'll have saved enough money to buy a trailer home and hang out in slatter's court.

Question:  Is it true that it's a misnomer that couples need their own time and consequently let go of friendly connections as a natural response to that?  Admittedly, I totally think this of coupley people I know.  ie. i'll never get to spend time with them anymore because they're otherwise occupied.  But I'm realizing that this is a misconception I (and many others too I think) have and unfortunately coupley's may suffer from reverse exclusivity because of it.  Huh!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

happy birthday charabear!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

if i had kids

i copied this from a blog i follow.  i think it'd be cooler and more relevant if i had kids.  but i don't, obviously so i'm not entirely sure why this piques my interest so much.  although sometimes i wonder, while i embrace my public school experience and the horror of being shunned from the cool group in the middle of seventh grade, i dunno if i would put my kids through that considering the state of kids these days.

i go back and forth between wanting to shelter my fictitious offspring from mean kids and the effects of puberty - or to throw them right into the community pool full of whatever crap kids leave in there and hope for the best.  i never thought this is what parents have to deal with and how potentially heartbreaking it can be to have your little angels get broken into the cruelty of our world.  psalm 82 says, all the foundations of the earth are shaken.  it doesn't take much effort to see the aftermath of sin around us and that sucks. i've heard people at my work say they wouldn't want to bring kids into a world like this.  and it's true.  the devil is behind a lot of the things that destroy our home here and he has minions (not the cute yellow cyclops kind) and all sorts of people doing his work for him.  but he's not the ultimate power.  god is.

i guess that's why they say parenting is the best way to bring people to christ.  because you need the sovereignty of god to make sure you're teaching your kiddies not to make out with guys before they turn 30 and to live holy and honoring lives for god. 

plghh  i'll stick to raising my bunny for now ^__^  anyways, the blog post i originally wanted to share:  ps. i love how she writes.  must take notes.


Tessa came home from school one day, (about 3 months in), and said to me: "Daddy, I want to be pretty too." She said it casually, not overly pouty or dramatic, sort of like the way a kid asks for a cookie or a juice box. How could this confident little girl actually be asking me this, I was truly stunned. I asked her what she meant by that, and she followed it up by saying: "pretty pink dress." I was pissed. She had just started school, was just two years old, just really starting to talk, and she was already made to feel inferior because she wasn't dressed like a ridiculous doll to go play on playgrounds and make macaroni art. I had no idea that this would happen at this age. Then again there wasn't anything I could do about it besides work really hard to make enough money so I could send her to a school where all the kids are referred to by number, wear genderless space age jumpsuits with tall boots, only color with earth tones, and play with a single wooden block that can be "anything they imagine it to be."

Tessa was in school now, two days a week, and surrounded by everything we had been avoiding here in our house, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. By the end of the year she was coming home and shouting with glee that she was a princess, and I would cry into Cole's neck at night about how I didn't do a good enough job of protecting her from it all. I admit I felt a little sheepish about straight up putting all the blame of this influence on the shoulders of her school, until she came home on the last day with a little adorable yearbook they had put together. They had placed single portraits of each child with a sweet little accompanying nickname next to them on the page, and when I turned to Tessa's page, there she was, wearing a tacky princess dress complete with a bullshit pageant smile, and right above her photo in big bold letters it read: "Princess Tessa."

My blood flash boiled, and then I melted like I had just snuck a peek into the Ark of the Covenant. What a mess.

Actually, I just barfed in my hands and then fainted 10 times before I started waving around this photographic evidence at Cole, shouting about how "I knew it all along!", THEY did this to her. All joking aside. I was sincerely bummed. I don't have any real anger left over about the school-- I immediately let go of it all. I had eyeballs and saw all the other little girls sitting on the swings with bows in their hair, buckles on their shoes, and wearing party dresses. Tessa absolutely looked different from them, I just didn't think she would care. I was wrong. I knew that the second you let your kids out the door (that includes into television land) every hand that comes in contact with them will influence them in some way, from her teachers and peers, to even ol' cheeky Peppa Pig. I guess I just didn't think at this age that she would start to feel inferior about her looks, I guess I should have asked the school, "so... do you dress the girls up in princess dresses and tell them how pretty they are when they are wearing gowns and crowns?!" because if I had asked that in the beginning and they said yes, Tessa would have been given a Doctors note to please excuse her from that one activity.

It's embarrassing and shitty to walk into a school and start barking about all the things you don't want your kids around. I can't imagine being a teacher today with all the different schools of thought about how things should and shouldn't be that are floating around. Seriously these people are heroes for what they put up with. All the sudden half their students are allergic to fucking peanut butter, the other half can't eat wheat, and then you have me with a list of toys and phrases I don't want said around my kid. Teachers are still trying to figure out how to keep cupcakes from hurting anyones feelings, they certainly aren't going to worry about their influence on gender roles and inferiority complexes. It's all a real shame.

It felt terrible to have to explain to Tessa that clothes aren't what makes a person beautiful, she was two years old. Talk about a blank stare. You can't get some thirty year olds to understand that concept. So we did our best to explain to her that dresses and shades of pink have nothing to do with beauty, all we can do is keep talking about it until she is older and can grasp larger concepts and ask detailed questions. We are smack dab in the middle of the "why" phase. Once that is over, I am hoping she will start to really understand some of the deeper meanings of these words we wield.

So whatever, it happened, and Cole and I decided the best thing to do was to just embrace the phase and plow through it, get it over with as quickly as possible. The compromise was that if she wanted to wear something soft and frilly it had to be balanced. So she started wearing a lot of ballerina skirts with muscle shirts. She could have her toenails painted, but not her fingernails. Stuff like that. She seems pretty happy about her situation, and I don't feel like she has been completely kidnapped by the Pink Posse. Her favorite thing to do is make her skirt twirl, we play princess with her when she wants, we even started her watching Game of Thrones so she could see what being a real Princess is really all about. (I'm kidding)

In the end, this was just a reminder about what my real job is at this point-- I'm a filter to her world, not a dictator. Cole and I are here to help our kids make sense of all of this life, and media, and relationships. On top of all the normal shit there is to deal with like boys have a penis and girls have a vagina, we have about 10 million media messages per half second aimed straight at our kids eyes and ears to combat, navigate, and explain. And if that wasn't enough already, we get to explain things like Bath Salts, and Incurable Gon-O-rrhea. Holy cow. It's time for a new handbook.

**The majority of this post is just me making fun of myself for being hypersensitive about things that in the end won't matter to Tessa if Cole and I just keep doing what we do. Please don't take it too seriously, I really didn't melt like the dude from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

sunday tradition

i'm hereby inaugurating a new tradition in the bo/charpie household.  since every other weekend (if not more) i'm forced to miss out on church lunch after service, i'm gonna start get my chinese fix on my own after work :D  soo brillianttttt

today i tried out may flower restaurant on L street.  never been there, never heard anything about it.. i just know its existence because it's within street view of pulling out of mcdonald's drive-thru >__<  yelp gives it 3.5 stars which might not seem like much but i'm pretty excited to dig in once my rice finishes cooking.

sizzling beef with green onions
tofu and vegetables


Friday, July 20, 2012

Hold on tight!!

I remember going to the Verizon store one time and a sales rep was telling me how common it is for people to come in wanting to replace their cellphone because they'd dropped it in the toilet. I'd thought to myself, that's impossible! Or at least it shouldn't be that common. Since then, I've been extra conscious of my cellphone when it enters the bathroom and here are a few situations I've discovered regarding splashing cellphones:

1.  Leaving the cellphone in pocket. Depending on the depth or shallowness of the pocket, the slick-backed phone can easily slide out when you sit down. Also notice that when you come to a sitting position, the drop of the pocket shifts from vertical to horizontal; thus allowing the phone to escape into the pool.

2.  Holding the phone as you fumble with pant paraphernalia. This includes belts, buckles, buttons and of course.. well.. removal of said pants. Like the probability of a motorcyclist getting into an accident, sooner or later it's bound to happen that you misjudge the dedicated grip you have on your phone and accidentally let go as you zip down your fly.

3.  Balancing the phone on the toilet paper dispenser. Some establishments are considerate enough to install dispensers with a flat bed for which to rest the cellphone before completing the business. (this is generally true of larger business that cater to high foot traffic as these dispensers usually require 2 large tp rolls). Other less gracious places have odd shaped plastic containers that require you to strategically place your phone so that it doesn't slide off.. in worst case, into the pool.

4.  Resting the phone on top of your legs.  Don't judge. You've done it too - where you comfortably lay the phone atop your leg to watch a YouTube video or read from your Android kindle. Problem is, one wrong move and ploiiink!

5.  Remember, one thing at a time. When you're done, put the cellphone down. You can resume after everythings cleaned up ;)


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

la familia de acacia

there's been a lot of action going on in our little acacia community.  i always feel so blessed when i think about this family i have here and the way each person has shaped me for the better.  last week anna left for socal and she shared this passage with us:
“In friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting--any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends, "Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”   ~C.S. Lewis

i really like that.  actually this post is just an excuse to save that quote so it doesn't get lost in the abyss of gmail inbox.    i love that in mutual effort to glorify god we come together to celebrate stuff like babies and people getting married or people moving on.  or just to eat dinner together, play music together, pray together.  that's really cool stuff =]

august is gonna be pretty fun.  jess and joe are sealing the deal and monica and henry are expecting small child.  whhhhhoooo's nexxxxxttt??  :D :D :D

Monday, July 16, 2012

Rolling with CPE Bach

in high school one of my IB electives was music.  i took it mostly because my shyness didn't allow for silliness like performance theater or dance.

i'm not sure how the normal high school classroom operates, but in IB we're taught to analyze everything.  in english that meant jane eyre's dress wasn't just blue because blue muslin was the cheapest fabric found in town.  nor was it because charlotte bronte thought it'd convey her character's plain-ness well.  no..  it's freaking blue to express the melancholy state of the life of an abandoned woman in love with a man who keeps his delirious wife locked up in the attic.  all the while she's being pursued by another man destined to make her his wife even though she cannot see him as more than a brother.  secondarily implying the crumbling destruction of gender roles and hierarchy of courtship rites in the social universe as reflected in the vast blueness of her eyes.  and maybe also something about knights fighting blue dragons in the distant land of celadon city.  that's why it's blue.  inference was always my english teacher's favorite word to throw around during class discussions.  you could basically make up any amount of bs and get away with a hundred participation points and an approving nod from the teacher.

oh right, i was talking about music.  IB music was just about the same.  we'd sit around listening to a piece of music, manuscript and red pen in hand - armed to completely tear up the music with critical analysis and lots of creative imagination to make sure we leave class with enough participation points.  [can you sense how much i hated participation points?!? plghhh]  at the end of senior year when we got ready to take our IB exams, the practice had been so ingrained in us that whether it be an oral or written, we could easily rant for pages and pages or speak miles on any given topic.  even in a foreign language. 

some things just don't change.  last night my friend played this piece for me on the piano.  my heart melted/died/seized and then the expository parallels began to flow.  except, instead of reflecting on how this song metaphorically conveys the alignment of jupiter and the 27th galaxy with the earth, i was thinking more how this song feels a lot like how i feel.  darn you ib program for crafting me into such a thinker!!  why can't i just sit and listen to how beautiful it is without delving into the way its intricate trills and voicing lines intertwine with the messes i get myself into.  or how the conversation between the right and left hand represent competing voices in my head trying to get me to make choices i don't want to.  how the brevity of the melody switching to G major in measure 21 is quickly reminded of its dreary nature before the line is over.

in the words of sherlock, "bullocks!!"

i'm wearing long flannel pajama pants because apparently the weather realized how ridiculous it was enveloping us all in sweltering heat yesterday, so it decided to slide the mercury down a few notches today.  dear weather, you kinda overshot.  it's freaking cold.  oh yeah, here are the highlights from yesterdays happy day =]

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

They have eyes

Yeeeck! I can't help but feel a little uneasy having toilet paper rolls stare at me while I go to the bathroom. It seems to be looking at me like I've done something wrong. Leave me be!!

Monday, July 9, 2012

let's begin again

pretty much for the last 9 years of my life i'd start a new journal sometime during july.  since it's now sometime during july, i'm finally taking a crack in my new one.  not much has changed since the first time i started journaling right before i started freshman year.  same place - in bed next to my favorite pillow in the world, same time - no earlier than 9pm, same pen - Pilot EasyTouch Fine Point, same heartpour.

for this years journal, i chose a nice dark, black number.  one because it looks cool and conveys a level of maturity that always seems to be beyond my reach and two, it mirrors very well my general state of emo-sity these days :D  is it just me or do other journalers feel overwhelmed and intimidated by so many empty pages?  in my weirdo psyche, i think i comes from an anxious anticipation of impending events that will eventually take literal form on those pages.  that scares me.  hahaa  oh dear..  i really should listen to my MFT sister and find myself a therapist.  or i could just stop thinking so hard =]

on lighter topics, currently
drink of choice: tazo organic iced green tea
snack of choice: hazelnut quadratini wafer squares  ..and maybe fritos too
mini series of choice: sherlock
gas station of choice: costco, always
shampoo of choice: pantene volume for thin hair  on sale!!!

Friday, July 6, 2012

morning glory

proof that doughnuts, instant noodle and m&ms aren't the only things inside my digestive tract!!

they say korean people eat kimchee with everything.  so i decided to put the adage to good use and try a little variation on my breakfast.

  • wheat toast
  • two fried eggs
  • mound of kim-7
yOm-O.  next up, topping for my ice cream?!?  :D