Saturday, September 29, 2012

maybe it's me..

mmm.. slow day at work.  so i made myself a bunny friend!!

i'm pretty sure most people who know me and read this blog know how much i love bunnies.  and the thought has occurred that maybe i love bunnies too much.  i dunno.. could it be an impediment to my relational status?  i mean, look at this girl!  my sad epiphany revealed just how similar i am to eharmony cat lady =/

or i could go to a bunny mixer where i might find people just like me.. :D  hehehee

Monday, September 24, 2012

criteria update

is it really true that a guys level of attractability can increase or decrease based on the car they drive?  i dunno.. i used to be skeptical..

after my long biking trip yesterday, i jumped into my car and sped down to marshalls before they closed to find a baby shower gift and bike shorts (more on that later).  as many of my shopping experiences go, i found neither of those items and came out instead with another dress.  another dress that, like my collection of shoes, will likely never see the light of day.  ah welllll.

as i walked back to my car, i saw someone remote-unlock a FIAT right in front of me.  for some odd reason, the person beeped the car more times than necessary to unlock it, which i found weird.  but needless to say, the blinking headlights looked like they were winking at me!  cuuuuute.  [btw, use of this word shall not be limited to the female race and shall not demand reprimand if used by the opposite gender]  i turned around to see who the lucky owner was and behold, nice looking guy :D  without skipping a beat, i projected my voice in his direction and asked him how he liked driving his car.  >____<  ahhh slap face/face palm  i've turned into one of those girls who are easily tricked by guys in cute cars!!!!!

good thing the cute-spawned adrenaline was still running through my veins and i stayed long enough to hear him say it was just a rental and it was a fun car to drive - then i remorsefully ran to my silver dino after realizing what i did.  so i confess.. it's true.  drive a cool car and i might, in a moment of brainwash, ask you for your number =/

but just to be certain, know that not all girls dig leetle european cutemobiles.  one of my grad school classmates was into gigantic pickups.  the bigger the better.  so she married a cowboy and moved to texas  ;)

now about biking.  couple things i realized:

  • i cannot control the massive amount of snot buildup in my nose.  what is the best way to remedy this other than stuffing toilet paper?
  • if there is a snake stretched across the path and i can't cross into on-coming traffic, there's gonna be a lot of blood and guts
  • mebbe this is just in my head, but i feel like there's a hierarchy of bike-coolness on the paths.  i don't think i made it onto the list.  which means, i want a road bike and spandex.  no.. yeah no, scratch the spandex
  • bikers in general are very friendly - even the highest ranking cool bikers
  • thank you parks & recreation department!!  plus, i love the show
  • my cotton shorts, which make for awesome sleep shorts, don't do so well on the road for extended periods of time and sweat
  • bringing water is important.  i should know this..
  • taking breaks will cause my leg muscles to die.  next time, i will refrain from stopping

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Just so we're clear

my deviousness is gonna get me kicked out but can you blame me pulling such an irresistibly passive aggressive love note?!  how i wish snorlax can sleep undisturbed through the night..

i'm a brat and i know it.  i'm officially househunting.  life starts now!!!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

the worst kind of heartache.

there's a sad, remorsefully aching feeling that makes its way into my heart that feels something like crushing a snail underfoot whenever i finish a book.  having spent hours growing a friendship with the endearing characters and spiting the antagonists as best as i can, i feel abandoned when the connection between us is severed by the hard back cover - offering no chance for them to cross over into reality and i don't know.. have tea with me. 

i'm just going to spend a few hours grieving and then maybe reread the book over again.

I suppose I do have a suitor, but I'm not really used to him yet.  He's terribly charming and he plies me with delicious meals, but I sometimes think I prefer suitors in books rather than right in front of me.  How awful, backward, cowardly, and mentally warped that will be if it turns out to be true.

-The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

maybe this is all in the name of character development since i was just writing about dealing with aloneness.  beh  to heck with that.  i'm gonna proceed with my ceremonial moping.  and to heck with the author for bequeathing so stingily before she passed away while writing her debut novel.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

no guts, no glory: all by myselffff

if for some cataclysmic incident my house caved into itself and the door to my room was blocked shut for a year before i could be rescued, i think i'd be okay.  food wise, i have a large variety of instant noodle to keep me interested for a long time and my costco case of blood orange san pelligrino has yet to be opened.  and i have enough things in my room to keep me merrily occupied for days on end.  needless to say, solitary confinement comes easily, if not welcomed, for me   ..sometimes

of course depending on where you lie on the introvert/extrovert scale, alone time might be more terrifying for some people than getting eaten by a shark.  but here's what i've come to learn about this uniquely magical time that singleness has to offer.  that hint of sarcasm should not go unnoticed.  nevertheless, this alone time is a chance to find my identity - in myself and in christ.

in the counseling world, there's an important philosophy to healthy relationships that says each person should enter a union as a whole person rather than a half person looking to fill in the gaps through someone else.

in doing so, neither one can fulfill each others needs because they themselves are incomplete to begin with.  i'm not talking about being perfect cuz none of us are; that's just the way the cookie crumbles.  i'm thinking more along the lines of having a full grasp on your identity as a person - being confident in who you are, accepting your complete value in christ and being your own person.  the tragedy comes when you look to another person to tell you who you are or to chameleonize yourself to match who you think the other person wants you to be.  (and when i say you i really mean me because i've been completely guilty of this myself)  result: great sadness.  my hypothesis is that humans naturally crave identity - to know and be known.  and it's a weirdly warped expectation to superimpose the pressure of obtaining this identity through someone or something else.  i suck at math but i do know that 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4.

so what to do?!  i think this is where time alone comes really handy especially when i have all the time in the world.
  • i wake up in the morning and it's just me --> let's figure out what kinda music i dance best to
  • i'm home from work. again, it's just me --> explore different hobbies or cultivate ones i already have
  • weekend rolls around and the prospect of a free dinner is looking slim --> kidnap a lady friend, yelp something new and split dinner tab 50/50
  • vacation hours are piling up and i'm feeling cabin fever --> nowhere in the fineprint of groupon's romantic vacation deals for two say it needs to be fulfilled by 2 loveydoveys.

see where i'm going with this?  obviously i still need to take a dose of my own medicine but it makes sense that instead of wasting time at home moping about the emptiness of my other half, time could be better spent filling that half with ME stuff!  find out what i like and don't like, trailblaze hobbies of my own that are uniquely me, and create experiences for myself that add to the mosaic of who i am.  then, god willing ;) if i ever meet some perfectly hunky dude, i can bring my whole self to match his whole self and live happily ever after.

ahemm moving forward..  last night at acacia we studied the life of elijah during his 3 years of exile where he had no life encounters except with a black bird twice a day and with the one and only holy god.  what did he learn from his time alone?  for once i enjoyed group discussion (jk :D ) and this is what we came up with: elijah grew in his faith and trust in god's promises through his experiences and in his persistence in proclaiming the power of god even when circumstances argued otherwise.  i would then add that through this time, he grew a strong and rich identity in who christ called him to be so that when the day came to reveal God's glory in the test of gods, he had the boldness to deliver.
Then Elijah said to them, “I am the only one of the Lord’s prophets left, but Baal has four hundred and fifty prophets. Get two bulls for us. Let Baal’s prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by fire - he is God.” 1 kings 18
hollaaa  how cool is that??  i believe god desires to grow us in our identity in him - as the theme of a bible study i'm going through goes; to live a life free of anything that hinders us from the effective and abundant spirit-filled life god has planned for us.  okay, yada yada yada bible talk aside, what does that even look like?!  i don't know.  i think it's different for everyone.  but it's worth exploring on your own and cultivating it in your magical time.

tangentially, i think it's possible that people who aren't fully okay with being on their own or have a clear idea of who they are make them to be the needy sort.  eww shudder.

conclusive notes: don't be afraid of being alone.  live life richly, fully and wholly.

Monday, September 10, 2012

no guts, no glory: stomach grumble

let's say your pet monkey eats a banana laden with poisonous banana slugs and keels over dead.  instantly.  i assume your reaction would be great torrential waves of sadness and misery.  that would be expected.  of which i would allot you about 5 to 7 weeks of grieving time for your deceased.  and if you didn't deliver, i would seriously consider your mental status veering closer to the sociopath end of the spectrum.  or you're a cylon.

i've learned that in any season of life - particularly in a time of unattachment, you have to be real about your feelings, your desires.  just like if you didn't feel any sort of sadness over the death of a beloved pet, it'd be kinda weird not to experience the soup of feelings related to singleness from time to time.  so these feelings generally come from a desire to be otherwise attached.  and unless you're not of the human species, there must be a reason for this desire other than general lameballz-ness. 

to put it another way, it's kinda like when your definition of breakfast is an extra large tumbler of (drip) coffee with cream and sugar.  by noon time, you're sitting at your desk at work and the little man inside your stomach starts throwing a fit and making unpleasantly embarrassing gurgling sounds.  why?  cuz you're a fakie nutrition expert who failed to see the importance of maintaining your blood sugar levels thus causing a cascade of events leading to mad stomach.  happens for a reason.

here's what i have to say about all that.  i'm all about practical ways to combat this issue which is very very important.  but at the heart of the matter is well, where your hearts at.  so to all the single ladies (i hate this song esp @ weddings), be real with your desire and the suckiness of of not attaining it - cuz it's legitimate.  all of us have some sort of unfulfilled longing because life is just like that.  but let it point you to the ultimate fulfilment that is in meeting with christ sooommmeeedaaayyyy.  and most of the time i'm thinking hopefully sooner rather than later.  but wouldn't it be cool if part of this heavenward-seeking gave us a drive to share with other people what all the hype is about going to heaven?  so that when the day comes, i'm not on my own but standing in front of christ with friends and stuff.

so if singleness be the stomach grumbles that drives me to divine urgency, maybe that's okay =]

Sunday, September 9, 2012

adventures of living with an insomniac

i've alluded in a previous post of my run-ins with an insomniac housemate who i'll call snorlax for purposes of anonymity.  in all sincerity, such encounters with her have taught me several lessons on grace, patience, understanding and holding my pee.  all of which have been useful tools in shaping my character and i'm thankful for that.  my mom especially has been a cheerleader for me, rooting for my fight in not letting her get me down or wanting to retaliate.  (believe me, i had several really good ideas)

but at the end of the day, i love this house, i love the neighborhood, i love my room and my bunny loves slowly making my rug a disappearing act via digestion.  and if the cost of living here is to shower before 11pm to give snorlax a moment's rest, so be it.

however, tonight i realized i needed to draw the line.  you see, snorlax recently relocated into a bigger room that coincidentally shares a wall with the bathroom.  therefore, any sounds from the bathroom are reverberated into hers.  on top of her insomnia, she's a light sleeper - such an unfortunate double whammy.  you can imagine, for me going to the bathroom at night is like walking on eggshells, weary of each small sound i make.  anyways, at just about 10:35pm tonight, i realized i needed to make haste and take a shower before the tub turned into a pumplin or something so i gathered my towel, slipped on my sock monkey slippers and shuffled my way into the bathroom.

as soon as i got in, i heard someone quietly sneak into the bathroom next door.  O_o  aiyahhh it's snorlax!!  i too, very quietly tiptoe around my side of the bathroom hoping she won't guess my presence.  in my frozen state i realize she neither closed the door to do her thing, nor did she flush afterwards!!!  complete ninja style.  what. the. hey?!?

this has come too far.  if i'm expected to get in and out of the bathroom at night with as little noise as possible, even if that entails voluntary neglect of flushing, i draw the line.  what if i needed a late night colon cleansing session?  or god forbid, i accidentally drink bad milk with my cereal??!?  snorlax better figure out a way to get over her insomnia cuz i'm not generous enough to go and leave presents for my other housemates.


Friday, September 7, 2012

no guts, no glory: life starts now

let me be honest - being single is not easy.  bam.  said it.

but the more i think about it, the more i realize, it's my fault.  people tell me that being single should be the best time of my life.  my response to that is thanks but no thanks for your lame-O cop-out parasympathetic condolences.  you have no idea what you're talking about.  siigh  i have issues listening to other people =/ cuz i'm starting to realize that those people might be onto something.  i just have a hard time believing it and here's why..

for much of my adult life i've believed that real living doesn't start until you get married.  why should i travel the world now when i can better enjoy it someday with a husband?  why dress up and wear one of my stinking cool heels when i can bust them out when my tall husband takes me out on wedded dates?  even my dear parents, bless their hearts, have an espresso machine and set of stainless steel pots stored in the garage waiting for the day i say i do.  we all know i don't have any room for those sort of things right now but logic is ignored and the only message i hear loud and clear is that my life has yet to begin - so until then, i'm homebound, sipping on drip coffee and watching my shoes become so last year as the new wave of skanker heels make their way into stores.

but jesus says i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  (john 10)  he's talking about the little sheepies here.  without the shepherd, the sheepies would live in constant fear and limitation because of the real threat of being eaten.  life would be restricted to their small patch of safety - even if it means chomping on weeds and bugs for the rest of their life.  wanna try the exciting new blend of exotic grasses on the other side of the hill?  no way!  cuz the big bad wolf might be lurking around the corner ready to eat me.  enter god.  floating down on a cloud with a cool walking stick in hand, he says go eat yummy grass and i'll make sure the you don't turn into lambchops.

maybe living freely in christ doesn't exactly look like high heels in jamaica, but that could be a start.. the point is to get out of my bubble of individualistic self-pity and explore; whether that's in ministry, in spending time with friends (vacation buddy?!?) or finding myself a new home that justifies a new pots and pans set :D  and the truth is, this life of service that he calls us to means getting out there and doing something!  no more sad hermit days :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

no guts, no glory: intro

the other night while i was gchatting with a dear sister friend, the tagline no guts, no glory was born.  so good right?!  i instantly identified with it because in all my life, i've found that only when i let my guts hang out (whether in private or in the company of others) do i see the glory of god at work.  and it happens especially in the company of other people who patiently wait for me to pull out and untangle the entire length of my intestines that i'm able to let god speak to me through friends and family and suture the wound.

side note: if it's true for me, i'm certain it's true for other people too.  my hope is that as individuals in a community we can be more eager to excise the inflamed appendix when it's causing so much unnecessary pain within and let others/god heal.  the result is feeling better and having freedom in being productive again.

something i've been thinking about recently is that maybe there is a place for me in the church and in the community that speaks to the gospel in a way other people can't -- as a single lady.  there's the ol' saying god's put you there for a reason.  that reason can be just as much for my own personal growth as it is sharing the testimony of the cumulative coolness that is god.

so in the ensuing days, i'm gonna lay out some of my organs related to experiences, realizations and god-spoken truths as a lady flying solo.  this should be interesting..

Sunday, September 2, 2012


go on a tropical vacation
build my instrument collection??

i need one of those 1% guys in my life.