Tuesday, October 2, 2012

no guts, no glory: the issue of trust

when snorlax confronted me about my conditions for staying in this house, i mentally punched her in the face. repeatedly.  partially because i was mad at her but admittedly, also because i was just mad and frustrated with life and god and this creaky old house and that anger needed to be directed somewhere.  i spent the next week fuming over the injustice of it all and struggling with the discouragement of finding any other suitable place to live.  

all this time, i was thinking how lame to be a christian right about now because all i want to do is fall in a puddle of despair but i can't because i know that god is my redeemer and he will direct my course from here on out.  why is it such a battle to get myself to truly come to peace with a fact that i believe with all my heart?!  i do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!!  mark 9  the problem is i can believe in christ, accept the truth that he is the son of god and receive eternal salvation - but fail to stand firm and maintain the belief and choose to find him trustworthy day to day.  that day to day part is the retarded part that seemingly never gets easier.  will i ever have a place to live?  will i ever find a *friend*?  will i ever have a schedule that doesn't force me to be a hermit?  will i never have to deal with car problems again?  will i ever get to have a real kitchen?  will i always have to be so seemingly isolated from everything?  blahblahblahhh  stuff like that.

there's a significant part of me that sincerely thinks all my troubles in the world would be solved if i were otherwise attached.  but as that isn't the case, i needed to look at my other options.  i considered moving to an apartment only to find that pet deposit for a bunny costs more than my liver and kidneys combined.  i searched different pockets of sacramento for housing but found that sac gets really ghetto really fast.  i looked into room shares and finding a housemate but realized i'm not the kind of quiet tenant people want.  with my parent's blessing i looked into buying but found that my price range limits me to areas that require HOA and flood insurance.  most rental or mortgage leads only resulted in sad faces and calculations that would leave me eating instant noodle more often than even i care to stand.

reluctantly, i'm thinking maybe it's better to stay put.  so far i've been timing my last bathroom trip to 10:55pm on the nose.  i brush my teeth and make my way across the creaky floor and into bed before midnight.  i cringe every time i'm obligated to step on the especially squeeky floorboard directly before my bed, trying my best to compensate the weight of my body with acrobatic moves to reduce the noise.  weird, but sure is better than not knowing where i'm gonna live for the next several months, years, lightyears.

i still believe the story of my life is in god's possession but trusting him day to day, moment by moment as dear ray vanderlaan would say, is much harder.  but you trust the shepherd for just enough and you trust that he is indeed, trustworthy.  
god is not a man, that he should change his mind.  does he speak and then not act?  does he promise and not fulfill?  numbers 23
maybe it sounds like i'm not able to live freely in my own home.  that's a pretty true and honest assumption.. but for now that's how it is and it'll be okay.  i'm thankful that living freely in christ, while harder to grasp and come to terms with, is more satisfying and more.. freeing than anything else in my life right now.  it's not to say i'm giving up because i'm still on the prowl for my perfect home.  but until then, i'll follow weirdo rules and be content with many blessings beyond snorlax's control.  and check this out, i no longer feel like punching snorlax when i see her :)

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