As I sat on my couch staring at my bunny for far too long, I realized something very interesting. When Charpie is eating from his doggie bowl, he cannot see the pellets that are right below his nose! Being physiologically challenged with his eyes set on the sides of his head, he can only reach for his yum-O pellets based on touch, taste and smell. So he noses towards his bowl, sticks his snout in and noms - all without the help of his eyes. In fact, as I was studying his perculiar eating habit he was staring directly at my bizarrosity in return.
The longer I watched him, the more it made sense. With his eyes set high atop his head, he, like mad-eye Moody, is always on constant vigilance. So that if it happened to be the case where I was a panther in search of a late night snacker, little bunny would detect my agile leap from the couch in his direction and flee quickly, while swallowing the last morsel of his own dinner.
I'm sure this is probably obvious news since you've all spent much of your childhood reading up on bunnies in your 1992 edition of Encyclopedia Britannica, but this was news to me. And head-scratchingly relevant too.
I've mentioned before how living with my bunny has brought to life many truths of God's love. This discovery was no different. Before I'd drawn the parallel, I remember thinking how smart God was for placing Charpie's eyeballs where he did. In most situations fluffy bunnies are no match when it comes to predatory mountain cats - yet God has the oversight to give them the trump card that can be the difference between life and death. In his creation, there is no mistake.
Recently I've been reading up several insightful sources on personality traits and why people are the way they are. I think I'm developing a greater understanding and appreciation for different characters but more so, coming to peace about my own self.
From the earliest I can remember, there's always been an internal contradiction between who I am and what I feel like I should be. I distinctly remember my IB English class senior year in high school where Ms. Castellani kept a tally of those who spoke up during open class discussions and based a significant portion of our final grade on the sum total per student. That teaching style was a guillotine to all the self esteem I had left in my small adolescent frame. Not being able to verbalize thoughts in time before some other perky kid spoke up again, I'd leave class feeling ashamed and like a failure. Surely there must be something wrong with me. Of course then both my teacher and I were confused why I'd scored so high on my IB test at the end of the year..
But that feeling of whas wrong with me seems to follow me everywhere I go. In how I look or present myself, any social situation, any new unbroken territory I always look for an escape route and if one failed to show itself, I'd then transition into an inner state of inconsolable misery.
Through all my reading, I also read this:
God is light, in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, we have fellowship with one another; and the blood of Jesus, his son, purified us from all sin. 1 John
My darkness is in my insecurities but 1 John says that if I'm walking in the light, this darkness would not exist! Except that it very much does and maybe I'm just not understanding what all this talk of light really means or the weight of his mercies or the covering of my sins or my value in his eyes. Otherwise it'd be pretty nice if it were all true or if he'd help me make some sense out of it all.
Cue in cute bunny innocently eating pellets. At the moment when I'd taken a break from my book (The Introvert Advantage) and looked up, I think God came through once again, using fluffy bunny to make clear his word.
In his creation, there is no mistake.
Through the combination of all these things I'm taking in, I'm learning that while I have traits and ideals I consider strange, they serve a role that is singular to my life's purpose - each attribute intended for good, if I find a way to acknowledge it so. Maybe not exactly in helping me escape from panthers but purposeful nonetheless. As much as I want to be free of this burden, I foresee this continuing to be my battlefield but its assuring to know that God never fails to present answers to my questions.